Buddhist Jokes
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A student is on one side of a raging river. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the master on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?” The master shouts back: “You are on the other side.
Can serve as a koan as well, I believe?
A Gelug Bursar and a Bus Driver arrive at the gate of Yama Raj to request rebirth.
The gate keeper gives the bus driver a golden credit card and a beautiful light blue silk garb and says : "Proceed.... be born in a wealth Kings family....however when your credit is finish then you must return to Samsara". To the Bursar he hands an ordinary credit card and a simple Gelug monks garb and says: For you the same rules. Proceed till your card is exhausted.
"Wait a minute...don't you know? I was a Bursar at a large monastery! He is only a bus driver and even a lousy one otherwise we would be still alive down there!" "I know...I know," said the gate keeper, "but you seem to have forgotten, that every time when there was an essential sermon at your monastery, that you fell asleep! And about the noble bus driver...whenever he was speed driving on steep country side roads all the passengers went chanting: Om Tare Tutare Ture Soha…. -
spam
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Originally posted by Aik TC:
A student is on one side of a raging river. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the master on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?” The master shouts back: “You are on the other side.
Can serve as a koan as well, I believe?
A Gelug Bursar and a Bus Driver arrive at the gate of Yama Raj to request rebirth.
The gate keeper gives the bus driver a golden credit card and a beautiful light blue silk garb and says : "Proceed.... be born in a wealth Kings family....however when your credit is finish then you must return to Samsara". To the Bursar he hands an ordinary credit card and a simple Gelug monks garb and says: For you the same rules. Proceed till your card is exhausted.
"Wait a minute...don't you know? I was a Bursar at a large monastery! He is only a bus driver and even a lousy one otherwise we would be still alive down there!" "I know...I know," said the gate keeper, "but you seem to have forgotten, that every time when there was an essential sermon at your monastery, that you fell asleep! And about the noble bus driver...whenever he was speed driving on steep country side roads all the passengers went chanting: Om Tare Tutare Ture Soha….Ha ha ha............
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Those who practice Fang Sheng enmass without understanding is the biggest joke.
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The second one takes tha cake.
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the second one like copy of a joke about a christian nun and the bus driver.
but still very funny...
in buddhist context liao. -
Flapping flag
Four monks were meditating in a monastery. All of a sudden the prayer flag on the roof started flapping.
The younger monk came out of his meditation and said: "Flag is flapping"
A more experienced monk said: "Wind is flapping"
A third monk who had been there for more than 20 years said: "Mind is flapping."
The fourth monk who was the eldest said: "Mouths are flapping!"Opportunity knocks.
Karma hunts you down. -
Thanks
A paratrooper was scared to jump.
His instructor told him, "If anything goes wrong, say, `Buddha oh Buddha' and you will be saved."
The paratrooper got so scared that he forgot to pull his rip cord. So he said, "Buddha oh Buddha," and a hand came out of the sky and saved him.
He said, "Thank God," and he was dropped.
Why are there no good Buddhist blues guitarists?
They have no soul.
UnknownSmart
A pilot is flying three people in a private plane - a Tibetan lama, and Bill Gates (the smartest man in the world), and a hippie.
Suddenly the pilot announces to his three passengers: "I have bad news for you. The plane is going to crash. We have to bail out now.
Unfortunately, we have only three parachutes. And since I am a terrific pilot, and I don't see any reason why I should die, I am taking one of them. Good luck!" And with that, he jumped out of the plane.
Bill Gates said: "Since I am the smartest man in the world, and very valuable to civilization, I am also going to take a parachute and save myself." And with that, he leapt out of the plane.
The lama said to the hippie: "I have already lived a long and fruitful life and have no need to live longer. Therefore, you may take the remaining parachute." "Relax, mannnn," said the hippie, putting the parachute on to the lama's back. "The smartest man in the world just strapped himself into my backpack."
What is mind? No matter.
What is matter? Never mind.
Unknown -
Master and Pupil
Says the Master to his pupil: "Do you understand that you don't really exist?"
Upon which the pupil replies: "Whom are you telling that?"Doing nothing
A Buddhist phones the monastery and asks the monk “Can you come to do a blessing for my new house?”
The monk replies “Sorry, I’m busy.”
“What are you doing? Can I help?”
“I’m doing nothing”, replied the monk, “Doing nothing is a monk’s core business and you can’t help me with that.”
So the next day the Buddhist phones again, “Can you please come to my house for a blessing?”
“Sorry,” said the monk, “I’m busy.”
“What are you doing?”
“I’m doing nothing,” replied the monk.
“But that was what you were doing yesterday!”, said the Buddhist.
“Correct”, replied the monk, “I’m not finished yet!"
Ajahn Brahm -
Crossing the river
Prince Gautama who had become Buddha saw one of his followers meditating under a tree at the edge of the Ganges river. Upon inquiring why he was meditating, his follower stated he was attempting to become so enlightened he could cross the river unaided. Buddha gave him a few pennies and said: "Why don't you seek passage with that boatman. It is much easier."
Mind you - The first thing to mind is your mind. The last thing to mind is your mind.
Stonepeace -
last but not least....
Thank God i am a Buddhist
Ivan
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" Why are there no good Buddhist blues guitarists? They have no soul. " Unknown It was cold but really lol
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Lol, I can just see the bus driver one in my mind's eye. A busload of pale-faced passengers fervently chanting...
Also like the "mouths are flapping" one.
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Ok let me try as well...
When bodhisattvas are thirsty, what do they use to hold their water?
Ceramic cups.
*Convert to mandarin please* XD
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Funny...
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Spoiler to Jui's joke
:Q： 当��们�渴时，会用什么�装水�？
A： �� (ceramic cup) sounds like 慈悲 (compassion) -
lols...that's funny in mandarin.
i have another thread more buddhist jokes for tibetan buddhism one. This one i post more on zen jokes.
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i am a big believer of this Buddha quote, "The mind is everything. What you think you become."
indeed i can become anything in everything while i'm inside my mind. all the problems disappear and life looks like exactly what i want it to be. -
“A Zen master once said to me, ‘Do the opposite of whatever I tell you.’ So I didn't.”
My bumper sticker says “my other vehicle is a Mahayana”.
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Exchange between the Zen master and his student:
Student: What happens after death?
Master: I don’t know.
Student: How can you not know? You are a Zen master.
Master: Yes, but I’m not a dead one.This can be trotted out when one group of monks anathematizes another group of monks for being (horror of horrors!) Mahayanists:
Greater Vehicle,
Lesser Vehicle,
No matter!
In the end,
All Vehicles
Will be towed away
At owner’s expense! -
Q: What does a Buddhist wish another on their birthday?
A: May you have happy returns.The Buddhist hands the vendor a five. The vendor gives the Buddhist the hot dog. The Buddhist stands there waiting for change. The vendor shakes her head and says, “Change comes from within.”
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A novice monk asked his master : " Master, can a monk use email ?"
Master replied, " Sure, as long as there is no attachments"
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What is a Mahayanist?
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A monk received a birthday card which say " Not thinking of you ". lols....