Woes having a relationship with a runner
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We are both in the 30s. We went out occasionally and msg each other at times during the first 4 mths and 1 fine day, he asked if we can go into a relationship. As I'm not those who will easily go into a relationship with someone, I took some time to consider before accepting his request. Of cos I did recap on the things he did, he is filial and other factors which I thought we can try out and understand each other more. I really feel happy when we went official and he is sweet to sms me to wake up daily, update me some of his daily activities, asked if i have taken my meals, etc. Basically, he shared with me things which I consider silly but I don't mind. My mind is thinking of him though I'm at work and I feel blessed. Sometimes I will buy his favourite snacks for him and cheer him up whenever he faces challenges at work. During his update of his daily activities, I know that he likes to run as an exercise to keep fit. He runs before going to work and run after work. Wkends will also go running in the morning and evening. We went out a few times after being official during wkend afternoon time frame and we also sms each other at night after he finished his run and before he goes to sleep. He slept very early..can be 9pm-10pm. One fine day, he went into silent. I'm not sure what has happened to him and I'm worried. I tried to sms him few times and call him but he didn't pick up. He just replied with sms that he is fine and will be ok after few days. On and off, I still sms him and ask if anything happen to him or his family and need any help. He will just reply dun worry. Silent after 4-5 days, he finally sms that he is sorry for keeping silent. I was trying to ask what exactly happen but he just say "move on" and dun be a spoilt radio so I keep mum. I do not know what can cause a man to go into silent for so long. From his sms to me after moving on, it seems that his mum is having a persistent cough for few wks and not getting better after visiting the doctor twice. Hence, I shared with him some remedies to cure the cough and eventually it should help because he never mentioned about his mum's cough anymore though I asked how's his mum now and he never reply. From this incident, I understand that he belongs to those who will not say anything if he doesn't want to but I somehow feel that he doesn't share with me his probs though I'm his gf. I started to find out that he is a hard core runner as time passed. He will run in the morning before going to work, run during lunch time NOW and run after work. He started to sms me lesser during wkdays. He will tell me that he is tired after the running and go to sleep and we never have chance to interact much after work on wkdays. Most of the couples went out during weekends and I know that he is a poor planner as he commented that things may change even though well planned. I accepted the fact that he is an ad hoc person and I would suggest the place to go to on a particular wkend 1-2 days before. However, he can comment that he is very tired after the running on that actual day and need to cancel the outing. I commented that he really runs too much and whether he has enough energy to handle other things and his reply was that's why he needs ample rest after running (indirectly telling me no time for me...?). On another occasion which I did not mention anywhere to go, he will tell me his eye is swollen due to flies getting into his eye while he is running the night before. I was thinking there goes my outing with him again. Somehow, I feel that out wkends outings are due to running and other excuses. He will still goes running with his swollen eyes! He went into silent on a 2nd occasion which I don't know why it happens again. I asked him but as usual, he ignore again. I started to think our relationship why it turns out in this manner. Is there anything I have done wrong which causes this withdrawal symptoms from him? I apologize to him if I say or done anything wrong and ask him to move on. He replied me the next day with a smiley face. However, frankly speaking, I still do not know what I have done wrong. I saw a poster which states "Apologizing to the person doesn't mean you are wrong and the person is right, it shows that you value the relationship more than the person". I think this statement is quite useful and I believe nobody is perfect and we both have different backgrounds. Each relationship needs both parties to compromise each other and understand each other. If I can just give in and he is happy, I don't mind to say sorry. We went back to normal days with the limited sms daily and no outings on wkends. Either raining, running too tired or I went overseas for holidays. The official lasted for 3 months and he is very well planned for his running activities but never plan for our activities. I tried to ask him out for a meal so that we can talk to each other face to face but he never reply. I'm at the cross road, should I continue such an unhealthy relationship or I should persevere? I learn that he has a very bad temper and a MCP. His relationship with his family is also not good and he seldom trust pple. After much consideration, I have decided to break up with him. I wanted to face to face to tell him how I have been feeling the past 1 month but he never want to meet me. He will just sms me. Therefore, in the end, I just sms him that we shall end this relationship. He just replied with a sad smiley face. Frankly speaking, I'm not sure if he is sad or happy. I'm now at the healing stage. I admit I do miss him else I won't have posted this. He has other good points but the problem is he doesn't give me a chance to interact with him properly. He doesn't trust pple easily and he trust his running world more than his family. A relationship without proper communication is a failure. I rather he "bark" at me when he is unhappy at least I know what he is thinking.....
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Hi Owl,
Your partner has a most peculiar personality.
I suppose it is possible that a person prefers to be alone and the part of his life that he wishes to share with you is actually very little.
To be honest, in my opinion "One fine day, he went into silent" was when he decided to call the relationship quits. Sometimes people do not wish to man up and face the issue and prefers that the other party calls it quits ....sorta like pushing the blame. He might think that it is kindness but I have my own view and I think otherwise.
My advice to you is that in future, besides thinking about whether the person has traits you admire, perhaps try looking at his lifestyle....spend more time as friends and try and work out if he actually is a good fit for yourself.
I suggest you concentrate on the healing process and if possible avoid all contact with him. Helps heal faster.
All this is just an opinion....good luck.
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oh just forget it
it takes both sides for a relatopnship to work
he is not spending time with you why waste time with him -
Think the biggest mistake I made is to agree to b his gf too early. I thought I hv affinity with him because I keep bumping into him and we can click as we hv some similarities in our way of doing things. I was wrong. Getting to know a person takes many yrs.... but if we can understand each other better thru more interaction, shouldn't it be able to improve the situation? I think he didn't even bother to continue understanding me as he is living in his running world. Wondering how hard core runners handle their relationships...those who really runs 1-2 time daily and each route is at least 10km -20km+....
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Originally posted by MaoTouYin:
Think the biggest mistake I made is to agree to b his gf too early. I thought I hv affinity with him because I keep bumping into him and we can click as we hv some similarities in our way of doing things. I was wrong. Getting to know a person takes many yrs….
but if we can understand each other better thru more interaction, shouldn’t it be able to improve the situation? I think he didn’t even bother to continue understanding me as he is living in his running world. Wondering how hard core runners handle their relationships…those who really runs 1-2 time daily and each route is at least 10km -20km+....
Hi Owl,
Whilst it is true that you can understand each other thru more interaction it will not work without him being willing.
Sorry if i come across as too harsh....you need to burn away the hope in your heart. It will be painful but its for your own good.
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Yes Genie99b, I know you are telling me for my own good. I will try very hard to forget him. I also know I need to do that. It takes time as I really put in a lot of effort this time round.
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Originally posted by MaoTouYin:
Yes Genie99b, I know you are telling me for my own good. I will try very hard to forget him. I also know I need to do that. It takes time as I really put in a lot of effort this time round.
it will not be easy :)
embrace the pain and sadness....and come out stronger and wiser.
if you wish to chat....there will be people here that can offer that
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the effort you put in is not wasted....from another thread
Let no one cower from sadness, from pain, from tears
For through the experience is the road to happiness seen
Let not your heart be weighed down from despair
For whence was despair is harmony earned -
Originally posted by MaoTouYin:
We are both in the 30s. We went out occasionally and msg each other at times during the first 4 mths and 1 fine day, he asked if we can go into a relationship. As I’m not those who will easily go into a relationship with someone, I took some time to consider before accepting his request. Of cos I did recap on the things
he did, he is filial and other factors which I thought we can try out and understand each other more.I really feel happy when we went official and he is sweet to sms me to wake up daily, update me some of his daily activities, asked if i have taken my meals, etc. Basically, he shared with me things which I consider silly but I don’t mind. My mind is thinking of him though I’m at work and I feel blessed. Sometimes I will buy his favourite snacks for him and cheer him up whenever he faces challenges at work. During his update of his daily activities, I know that he likes to run as an exercise to keep fit. He runs before going to work and run after work. Wkends will also go running in the morning and evening. We went out a few times after being official during wkend afternoon time frame and we also sms each other at night after he finished his run and before he goes to sleep. He slept very early..can be 9pm-10pm.
One fine day, he went into silent. I’m not sure what has happened to him and I’m worried. I tried to sms him few times and call him but he didn’t pick up. He just replied with sms that he is fine and will be ok after few days. On and off, I still sms him and ask if anything happen to him or his family and need any help. He will just reply dun worry. Silent after 4-5 days, he finally sms that he is sorry for keeping silent. I was trying to ask what exactly happen but he just say “move on” and dun be a spoilt radio so I keep mum.
I do not know what can cause a man to go into silent for so long. From his sms to me after moving on, it seems that his mum is having a persistent cough for few wks and not getting better after visiting the doctor twice. Hence, I shared with him some remedies to cure the cough and eventually it should help because he never mentioned about his mum’s cough anymore though I asked how’s his mum now and he never reply. From this incident, I understand that he belongs to those who will not say anything if he doesn’t want to but I somehow feel that he doesn’t share with me his probs though I’m his gf.I started to find out that he is a hard core runner as time passed. He will run in the morning before going to work, run during lunch time NOW and run after work.
He started to sms me lesser during wkdays. He will tell me that he is tired after the running and go to sleep and we never have chance to interact much after work on wkdays. Most of the couples went out during weekends and I know that he is a poor planner as he commented that things may change even though well planned. I accepted the fact that he is an ad hoc person and I would suggest the place to go to on a particular wkend 1-2 days before. However, he can comment that he is very tired after the running on that actual day and need to cancel the outing. I commented that he really runs too much and whether he has enough energy to handle other things and his reply was that’s why he needs ample rest after running (indirectly telling me no time for me…?). On another occasion which I did not mention anywhere to go, he will tell me his eye is swollen due to flies getting into his eye while he is running the night before. I was thinking there goes my outing with him again. Somehow, I feel that out wkends outings are due to running and other excuses. He will still goes running with his swollen eyes!
He went into silent on a 2nd occasion which I don’t know why it happens again. I asked him but as usual, he ignore again. I started to think our relationship why it turns out in this manner. Is there anything I have done wrong which causes this withdrawal symptoms from him? I apologize to him if I say or done anything wrong and ask him to move on. He replied me the next day with a smiley face. However, frankly speaking, I still do not know what I have done wrong. I saw a poster which states “Apologizing to the person doesn’t mean you are wrong and the person is right, it shows that you value the relationship more than the person”. I think this statement is quite useful and I believe nobody is perfect and we both have different backgrounds. Each relationship needs both parties to compromise each other and understand each other. If I can just give in and he is happy, I don’t mind to say sorry. We went back to normal days with the limited sms daily and no outings on wkends. Either raining, running too tired or I went overseas for holidays.
The official lasted for 3 months and he is very well planned for his running activities but never plan for our activities. I tried to ask him out for a meal so that we can talk to each other face to face but he never reply. I’m at the cross road, should I continue such an unhealthy relationship or I should persevere? I learn that he has a very bad temper and a MCP. His relationship with his family is also not good and he seldom trust pple. After much consideration, I have decided to break up with him. I wanted to face to face to tell him how I have been feeling the past 1 month but he never want to meet me. He will just sms me. Therefore, in the end, I just sms him that we shall end this relationship. He just replied with a sad smiley face. Frankly speaking, I’m not sure if he is sad or happy.
I’m now at the healing stage. I admit I do miss him else I won’t have posted this. He has other good points but the problem is he doesn’t give me a chance to interact with him properly. He doesn’t trust pple easily and he trust his running world more than his family. A relationship without proper communication is a failure. I rather he “bark” at me when he is unhappy at least I know what he is thinking…..
WTF?You are sad because a runner chose his passion over you because you shared the remedies for cough?OMG! You stalker,if he doesn't want to speak to you, LEAVE HIM ALONE!! Which part of this is hard,sympathy wallower?
Please ban all these noob trolls.
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Well, it seems he didn't feel like he missed out much when he didn't contact you.
He was probably at zen before he started the relationship, and feels not much value added later.
He needs someone to sweep him off his feet. Normal boring girl like you simply won't cut it for him.
Perhaps a more passionate lady with more to offer may be able to keep his mind occupied. Someone with the wow factor.
You are too much "a dime a dozen". Nothing special.
Or maybe he just mad you left for overseas holiday without him.
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Originally posted by MaoTouYin:
Think the biggest mistake I made is to agree to b his gf too early. I thought I hv affinity with him because I keep bumping into him and we can click as we hv some similarities in our way of doing things. I was wrong. Getting to know a person takes many yrs….
but if we can understand each other better thru more interaction, shouldn’t it be able to improve the situation? I think he didn’t even bother to continue understanding me as he is living in his running world. Wondering how hard core runners handle their relationships…those who really runs 1-2 time daily and each route is at least 10km -20km+....
"Wondering how hard core runners handle...." that is the understanding that is required of you.
Before you talk about forgetting him, blah blah blah...do you think you understand him enough to love him or love him enough to want to understand him?
this runner is a smart guy, he stopped for a drink and continue running, that is how they complete marathon.
Start running.....
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I did try to run and even suggested to run with him. The irony is, he broke up with his ex due to running too much.....
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And his ex is a runner too....
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Hi Owl,
Might want to consider taking up a hobby or meet up with friends
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Originally posted by jojobeach:
Well, it seems he didn't feel like he missed out much when he didn't contact you.
He was probably at zen before he started the relationship, and feels not much value added later.
He needs someone to sweep him off his feet. Normal boring girl like you simply won't cut it for him.
Perhaps a more passionate lady with more to offer may be able to keep his mind occupied. Someone with the wow factor.
You are too much "a dime a dozen". Nothing special.
Or maybe he just mad you left for overseas holiday without him.
+1 to a rarely posted truth
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Originally posted by MaoTouYin:
I did try to run and even suggested to run with him. The irony is, he broke up with his ex due to running too much…..
I recommend you don't try so hard to fit into his ex old shoe.
While you are trying to please him, you have lost yourself.
It's also possible you are merely his rebound. And sadly instead of taking him down a new and more exciting path, you took him down
memory lane. Anyway, you and him are water under the bridge. Move on and live better.
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Love is not a business, not a transaction - as long as ti remains so, it is bound to derail along the way. To assume that one loves another and tries to create a bondage is the ultimate insult! This is beggary!
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Originally posted by Fugazzi:
Love is not a business, not a transaction – as long as ti remains so, it is bound to derail along the way. To assume that one loves another and tries to create a bondage is the ultimate insult! This is beggary!
I think you are confusing adult conditional love with unconditional love for children and nature.
Adult love is always conditional, hence the monogamy requirement. As there are many partners to choose from a sea of people. Why do you love one and not the rest of them?
Unconditional love from a child or parent is possible because you don't get to choose. There's no other to replace them.
Love is often transient in conditional cases. Only a naive will think otherwise.
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This guy clearly needs space, too much of texting can "suffocate" a man. There is a ton of time required to train for a marathon. If he is obssessed about running, maybe he feels a sense of accomplishment and pride whenever he competes in a race. I'll say support your man. You mentioned that his ex dumped him because of his passion for running, perhaps he feels that history might repeat itself that's why he is backing off and not opening up to you. If you feel that you are forcing yourself to accomodate him and its eating in your insides, than move on. Anyhow i wish you good luck babe!
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Originally posted by MaoTouYin:
We are both in the 30s. We went out occasionally and msg each other at times during the first 4 mths and 1 fine day, he asked if we can go into a relationship. As I’m not those who will easily go into a relationship with someone, I took some time to consider before accepting his request. Of cos I did recap on the things
he did, he is filial and other factors which I thought we can try out and understand each other more.I really feel happy when we went official and he is sweet to sms me to wake up daily, update me some of his daily activities, asked if i have taken my meals, etc. Basically, he shared with me things which I consider silly but I don’t mind. My mind is thinking of him though I’m at work and I feel blessed. Sometimes I will buy his favourite snacks for him and cheer him up whenever he faces challenges at work. During his update of his daily activities, I know that he likes to run as an exercise to keep fit. He runs before going to work and run after work. Wkends will also go running in the morning and evening. We went out a few times after being official during wkend afternoon time frame and we also sms each other at night after he finished his run and before he goes to sleep. He slept very early..can be 9pm-10pm.
One fine day, he went into silent. I’m not sure what has happened to him and I’m worried. I tried to sms him few times and call him but he didn’t pick up. He just replied with sms that he is fine and will be ok after few days. On and off, I still sms him and ask if anything happen to him or his family and need any help. He will just reply dun worry. Silent after 4-5 days, he finally sms that he is sorry for keeping silent. I was trying to ask what exactly happen but he just say “move on” and dun be a spoilt radio so I keep mum.
I do not know what can cause a man to go into silent for so long. From his sms to me after moving on, it seems that his mum is having a persistent cough for few wks and not getting better after visiting the doctor twice. Hence, I shared with him some remedies to cure the cough and eventually it should help because he never mentioned about his mum’s cough anymore though I asked how’s his mum now and he never reply. From this incident, I understand that he belongs to those who will not say anything if he doesn’t want to but I somehow feel that he doesn’t share with me his probs though I’m his gf.I started to find out that he is a hard core runner as time passed. He will run in the morning before going to work, run during lunch time NOW and run after work.
He started to sms me lesser during wkdays. He will tell me that he is tired after the running and go to sleep and we never have chance to interact much after work on wkdays. Most of the couples went out during weekends and I know that he is a poor planner as he commented that things may change even though well planned. I accepted the fact that he is an ad hoc person and I would suggest the place to go to on a particular wkend 1-2 days before. However, he can comment that he is very tired after the running on that actual day and need to cancel the outing. I commented that he really runs too much and whether he has enough energy to handle other things and his reply was that’s why he needs ample rest after running (indirectly telling me no time for me…?). On another occasion which I did not mention anywhere to go, he will tell me his eye is swollen due to flies getting into his eye while he is running the night before. I was thinking there goes my outing with him again. Somehow, I feel that out wkends outings are due to running and other excuses. He will still goes running with his swollen eyes!
He went into silent on a 2nd occasion which I don’t know why it happens again. I asked him but as usual, he ignore again. I started to think our relationship why it turns out in this manner. Is there anything I have done wrong which causes this withdrawal symptoms from him? I apologize to him if I say or done anything wrong and ask him to move on. He replied me the next day with a smiley face. However, frankly speaking, I still do not know what I have done wrong. I saw a poster which states “Apologizing to the person doesn’t mean you are wrong and the person is right, it shows that you value the relationship more than the person”. I think this statement is quite useful and I believe nobody is perfect and we both have different backgrounds. Each relationship needs both parties to compromise each other and understand each other. If I can just give in and he is happy, I don’t mind to say sorry. We went back to normal days with the limited sms daily and no outings on wkends. Either raining, running too tired or I went overseas for holidays.
The official lasted for 3 months and he is very well planned for his running activities but never plan for our activities. I tried to ask him out for a meal so that we can talk to each other face to face but he never reply. I’m at the cross road, should I continue such an unhealthy relationship or I should persevere? I learn that he has a very bad temper and a MCP. His relationship with his family is also not good and he seldom trust pple. After much consideration, I have decided to break up with him. I wanted to face to face to tell him how I have been feeling the past 1 month but he never want to meet me. He will just sms me. Therefore, in the end, I just sms him that we shall end this relationship. He just replied with a sad smiley face. Frankly speaking, I’m not sure if he is sad or happy.
I’m now at the healing stage. I admit I do miss him else I won’t have posted this. He has other good points but the problem is he doesn’t give me a chance to interact with him properly. He doesn’t trust pple easily and he trust his running world more than his family. A relationship without proper communication is a failure. I rather he “bark” at me when he is unhappy at least I know what he is thinking…..
His running obsession may appears to be an innocent hobby, but it is likely to be symbolic expression of an avoidance attachment type and/or desire to remain in comfort zone. He might have personal issues which he is afraid of diverging; that itself is already a difficult process for any relationship to proceed further. Running is a highly individualize activity; you do not require anyone to do it with you technically. Hence, a core problem lies with the need for too much 'me' time and too little 'we' time in a non-negotiable manner.
One cannot choose to love deeply and still be invulnerable. The very act of loving would naturally implore us to open up internally and subject ourselves to a mix quantity of pain and pleasure.
During the time when he 'suddenly' go MIA, he is probably contemplating if he should end the relationship. Selfish as it might be, his lack of reasonable explanation for his behavior is a likely indicator that he is not willing to make the choice to terminate the relationship but resort to 'push factors' to drive you away, insofar that you would make the choice to end it instead. Therefore, ending the relationship on your side might be mere formality.
P.S: At this juncture, what you need is probably a man - not a boy that runs away (both literally and metaphorically) the minute the reality of his relationship confronts him.
Cheers
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running become such a complicated behavior...sigh.....
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Yes. Very enlightening comments from Yunhaier. I hv always wanted to ask him if he is serious and thought abt it before starting the relationship but no chance. Anyway nearly 1 month past and I hv slowly get used to my life without him. I don't think I can be with a runaway boy but I don't blame him coz he has an unhappy childhood. Since he is still not ready to open up, there is nothing I can do. I'm not the one to help him. He is still waiting for his final destination.
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Originally posted by Yunhaier: His running obsession may appears to be an
innocent hobby, but it is likely to be symbolic expression of an
avoidance attachment type and/or desire to remain in comfort zone.
He might have personal issues which he is afraid of diverging; that
itself is already a difficult process for any relationship to
proceed further.
Running is a highly individualize activity; you do not require anyone to do it with you technically. Hence, a core problem lies with the need for too much 'me' time and too little 'we' time in a non-negotiable manner.
One cannot choose to love deeply and still be invulnerable. The very act of loving would naturally implore us to open up internally and subject ourselves to a mix quantity of pain and pleasure.
During the time when he 'suddenly' go MIA, he is probably contemplating if he should end the relationship. Selfish as it might be, his lack of reasonable explanation for his behavior is a likely indicator that he is not willing to make the choice to terminate the relationship but resort to 'push factors' to drive you away, insofar that you would make the choice to end it instead. Therefore, ending the relationship on your side might be mere formality.
P.S: At this juncture, what you need is probably a man - not a boy that runs away (both literally and metaphorically) the minute the reality of his relationship confronts him.
Cheers
Wow a female arm chair psychiatrist solving world's problems.
HE likes to run and doesn't like this silly girl who just from the posts annoys so much wallowing in self-pity.
Yes feminists, it's a convenient defition for wussies 'a real man's responsibility to only to keep his bitch happy'.He's following his passion ignoring an intruding woman and other odds in his life, that makes him a real man.Now get a life!
http://manboobz.files.wordpress.com/2014/04/batmannn.jpg?w=604
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Originally posted by MaoTouYin:
Yes. Very enlightening comments from Yunhaier. I hv always wanted to ask him if he is serious and thought abt it before starting the relationship but no chance. Anyway nearly 1 month past and I hv slowly get used to my life without him. I don’t think I can be with a runaway boy but I don’t blame him coz he has an unhappy childhood. Since he is still not ready to open up, there is nothing I can do. I’m not the one to help him. He is still waiting for his final destination.
Please live him alone and let him enjoy his life without a drag.He will be much happier with a runner gal or so than you.
