lost everything after married
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Well, just be good then, don't do any thing wrong now. Wish u gd luck
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Thanks for ur opinions and sharing. Although I feel like I am lose in this case, too week to be a woman. I need to change, need to leave out from this horrible marriage life. Tomorrow everything will be settle. And I should start my new chapter of life.
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So u r divorcing him? If not, u ought to do so.
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Suppose to be divorce but he told me before one year, married can be cancel so don't have to go through divorce process. Funny right, already married everybody had known we are husband n wife before then suddenly he become bachelor again. Its really unfair to me, but what to do? Just accept it and learn from this big mistake.
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Originally posted by IndonGirl:
Suppose to be divorce but he told me before one year, married can be cancel so don’t have to go through divorce process. Funny right, already married everybody had known we are husband n wife before then suddenly he become bachelor again.
Its really unfair to me, but what to do? Just accept it and learn from this big mistake.
You are feeling sorry for yourself because you held on to your traditional beliefs from your country.
In Singapore, the wedding is not a big deal, it's only a show newly weds put on for the sake of their parents' " face value".
Wedding dinners are for honoring parents, not so much for the wedded couple.
Most couples in Singapore are already living a married life BEFORE the wedding ceremony.
Of course it's unfair.. TO YOU.... you thought you sold your virginity to a rich guy. Unfortunately, in Singapore, virginity is not worth as much as you think.
It's like a merchant thinking his shiny stone is worth a fortune. But the buyers don't think so because it's just a piece of polished rock !
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Originally posted by IndonGirl:
For most couple after marry will have a happy married life but not mine. Really regret with this married but what can I do, I can’t turn back time. I feel like what happen to me is unfair. Now I really need an opinion about what I have done. But you need to take time to read my long story to understand what happen to us.
I was being introduce by my brother in law sister to her friend. This guy is a fatty guy and not handsome but they told me he is really a good guy, hard working, can say a success business man (since he own a big house at spore), and very respect to parents. After meet once, he start to message me and then call me, and we become close friend.
For me, live until age thirty haven’t marry still ok but above that become a worry for me and my parents too. I scare to start a relationship, afraid being cheat or they just want to have fun. Hear and saw unhappy married life make me scare too.
Many friends and relative shock after know that my husband so fat. He is more than double of my weight. And many may think that I want him because he is rich, own big house. I can’t stop them. For me, as long as he is a good guy, don’t like drink, don’t like gambling, hard working, responsible, respect and can take care of me. Its already enough, no one is perfect in this world. I as women also have to understand myself. If he is better than that then will be good.
Everything goes well. He show me that he and his family relationship good. He and his family all also very good to me and my family but now no more.
After married, I just known that husband is a gambler. He and his family relation is actually no good. Maybe his father want him to faster get married because his father also already give up of him. His father then told me that his son have been banded from spore casino. Can u all imagine what will u respond when u hear this? This is really a cheat to me start from the time we known each other.
On the fifth day after married, he told me he have meeting so go out very early around 7 o’clock. The next day also the same told me he have meeting. Then on weekend he told me his friend have a resort at Batam and ask me to go with him so we go. At ferry he just told me that actually we are going to ship casino. I don’t know why he have to bring me there, have to let me saw he gambling.
On the 12th day after married, again he told me have meeting. This time I already feel something wrong with him. At noon I try to call him but no answer, then his office girl call me ask where is he? They said they can’t contact him that’s why ask me. Until night he still not come back home, I can’t contact him and his father (that time his father is on travel) I don’t know he go gambling or got car accident. Nothing I can do except crying. I don’t know what mistake I have done so he leave me like that. Then I call my parents and let my parents know what had happen.
My parents then call my brother in law sister ask her are they known this guy well? Are they known whether he like gambling or not? And the answer my father get is they are friends but they not 24 hours together.
At around 11 or 12 o’clock I just got message from husband told me that he is ok ask me don’t have to worry, he just miss the ferry and will only came back the next morning. At this time suicide really come to my mind.
The reason for gambling is because he have spend a lot for a wedding dinner party at 5 star hotel. I never ask him for those lux party, why he have to spend it he not afford. What can I do is only forgive him and give him a chance. And I told him that when his father back from traveling, I have to let him know this. He beg me not to do so and I said sorry I have to for ur good. And when I told his father, I heard a lot of bad habits about him from his father. Its really a very complicate, need a lot of time to explain it. Father said his son bad things and son told me his father bad things. For me I don’t care and don’t want to get involved in their family problem. As long as husband is a good guy, responsible, respect and can take care of me is already enough to me. He call my parents ask for apologize of what he have done. Apologize is accepted.
Again after one month married, on our first anniversary of proposing date. He told me that he feel no good and need to have a rest so we cancel go out for celebrating. Suddenly at night he told me he have to go out, go fish port. I just trust him, he go out until the next morning around 11 o’clock just came back. In the morning his father told me that I have been cheat by husband again. Where got people go fish port until this time ( its around 9 o’clock) haven’t came back? I just keep quite have no answer because I also don’t know well anything about singapore (I am a foreigner). From that I starting to check what he did, his phone, follow him where ever he go ( as suggest from his father too). I do all this for his good too, although he might feel annoying. During the time going out/ follow him, I found out that he seldom want to care of his job, seldom want to stay at office. When I ask, he told me now business is low so what for stay at office, must go out look for order. And I never again. They we often go out visit his friends, meet up with his friend, pay his gambling debts and sometimes meet client.
Again, he told me that he want to meet friend and because I also have to do house thing then I can’t follow him. After 11 o’clock night haven’t come back,call him he said he is at his food store. At 12 o’clock haven’t come back, 2 o’clock haven’t come back, call him many time but he no answer my call then at 4 o’clock morning I ask his sister bring me to his food store and I can find he or his car at there. His sister then send me back home. Again what can I do is only cry, it is not possible to wake up his father and let his father known. I feel really sad, wanna commit suicide, but I still love my parents and I remember my parents told me no matter what happen to you, here is still your home, you have parents, don’t do stupid things, you can come back anytime.
In the morning, his father knock my door ask me am I ok and ask me to go down have breakfast. In this situation where got mood to eat. I just stay at my room never let my parents know, then his father ask my brother in law sister come to pick me. I don’t want, I don’t them to get involved in this problem anymore since they said they are not 24hour with him, say this married is because we decide not forcing by them, they are just introduce. I also don’t know why my father in law have to do this, ask me to leave house is not a good solution for me. But then although I already said I don’t want to go with them, they still come. For me, at spore they are the closest friend/ family I have. They already come want to help me why I reject them, it is no good. So I follow them go their house and stay there for few days until my parents come.
My parents then come with me to meet father in law ask what is actually happen, why things become like that. Then father in law said he fell so sorry to me and my parents for this case, say he know his son have many debts outside and he owe spore Along too. And ask my parents don’t help to clear his son debts. I don’t know it is true or not because he never told me and always don’t want to share with me his problem. At that time, he come back home and sit together with us, say sorry to my parents.
We then sit together with his friend without his father, discuss how to solve his debts problem since he told us he have such big debts outside. The only way is he have to sell his house, clear his debts and move to smaller house and start everything new. Although his father don’t like him to sell house, but no other way.
Starting from that, he and his father relation become worst. They don’t talk to each other. Son don’t want to come back home have dinner together as usual, don’t want go office. While father in law almost everyday call me back home eat dinner together. Me in the middle of them really hard , don’t know what to do will be good.
Before my parents go back, I ask him to write what ever he promise me in an agreement letter so everything in black in white not just promise, apologize, forgive since he want to start his new life. In agreement letter mention that he will let me manage his financial, will give 30% of his reminding money after house sold, after clear debts. And the rest will keep in bank with joint account name. He promise to be truth and many more.
Hear husband have many debts and some more owe Along, he know I don’t like he gambling he still bring me to casino, he starting shout at me. Everyday follow him go out make me become scare of him, dunno he will bring me to Along to clear his debts or not. Stay at home scare Along come look for him and he not at home then look for me how. I think a lot of all this thing. I don’t know this will happen in spore or not but if in my country this will possibly happen, Along can come to look for his wife.
Don’t know how he did until he become so pity, no money until have to take from his coin box money for meals. When got money, have to pay for debts. Maybe this condition make him become always have bad mood. When I check his phone, who is he talking to, he feel angry.
All this make me feel sad too. I think it will be better for both of us if I go back my country until he settle his problem. He can have less expend and can concentrate look for new job new business to do. I also don’t have to be face his family faces since they become unhappy with me too because I allow husband to sell house to clear debts.
Then I told husband I will go back until everything settle, leave him struggle him self.
Am I a bad wife?All this is just unfair to me. What people can said is I bring unlucky to their family, just joint their family and many thing happen. While the truth are I have been cheat since from the begining, before married. Husband already a gambler and have many debts outside before we married. Husband already being warning many time by his father about his gambling habit.
For forum readers (expecially girl), if you are me. What will u do?
It is quite a mess, but by now, you probably already have a decision in mind and my guess is that you would probably stick with your thinking.***
Your situation has less to do with the state of your life/destiny/fate much more than the quality of your choice. Initially, your pain of choice constantly oscillates between two paranoia: the fear of being left on the shelf and the fear of not marrying the 'right guy'. The former obviously had stronger influence over you; hence, your decision to marry him was largely made on a rational basis: (1) He was recommended to possess values that are attractive to you, (2) he appears to be financially sound, (3) he is available and is interested in you. Since your marital decision can be said to be largely based on rationality (e.g. biological age is ticking, etc), your conclusion would also likely mirror this beginning (e.g. I am leaving him because I foresee little future, etc).
In some ways, the choice of marrying him does dissolve your singlehood. However, your subconscious fear of not marrying the 'right guy' is beginning to roar into reality; the core of the issue is not about the financial (although it is the presenting symptoms), but is about being in a relationship with someone of conflicting values. You wanted someone safe, predictable and consistent: living in debts, gambling woes, unprofitable business and lasting family conflicts basically promoted an opposite outcome from your ideals.
Suicide is unnecessary; even the talk about getting part of the money is superfluous. The question you might want to figure out is your attitude towards a divorce circumstance - namely being a divorcee. I want to stress that I not suggesting that divorce is the way forward; I am merely asking you to expand your consideration of choices beyond that of suicide - till such extend of even questioning your personal belief of what divorce means to you.
When you realized that you have choices (even unappealing ones), suicide is unnecessary.
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The talk about sticking with your husband during hardship is arduous for a union accepted largely on rationality basis. Reasons alone - in a purist sense - would mean that it is 'wiser' to leave before the house of cards collapse on you (unless you hold strongly to the concept of obligation or disallowing yourself a no-divorce situation). Those that stick in bad times are usually those that have more love than reasons to be hanging around. Emotional reasons, especially during the dating phrase, are the major factors that cause our hearts to skip a beat, tingling sensation in our feet, palpitation and red flushes.Hence, these are - again in a purist sense - a sense of uncontrolled, uncalculated feeling towards another person.
Again, the morality of relationship needs to be removed from the equation. What constitute a 'good wife' or a 'bad husband' matters little other than the choice you decide to undertake after having all the information about the person at hand. After all, many people still end up divorcing a 'good wife' or being overly attached to a 'bad husband' - therefore, 'good' or 'bad' labels are poor reference for decision making in love.
P.S: Life isn't unfair to you; you can change the course of your action, in which your destiny will alter likewise.
Just remember: two wrongs doesn't make one right.
Cheers
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there is no right or wrong. only a matter of responsiblity
if you not have that obligation. i suggest tat u leave.
short term pain is better than a sorrowful live
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I know suicide is not necessary but this always come to my mind every time I can't cool down my self. Too suffer living like this, I am the one want to break and now still think and care of him. Is this what people call karma rotten from what we done in the past life? Therefore I reserved this kind of torture.
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Originally posted by jojobeach:
You are feeling sorry for yourself because you held on to your traditional beliefs from your country.
In Singapore, the wedding is not a big deal, it's only a show newly weds put on for the sake of their parents' " face value".
Wedding dinners are for honoring parents, not so much for the wedded couple.
Most couples in Singapore are already living a married life BEFORE the wedding ceremony.
Of course it's unfair.. TO YOU.... you thought you sold your virginity to a rich guy. Unfortunately, in Singapore, virginity is not worth as much as you think.
It's like a merchant thinking his shiny stone is worth a fortune. But the buyers don't think so because it's just a piece of polished rock !
Your understanding of Singapore is not quite accurate.
Wedding in Singapore is a bigger deal now, it is over $1000 per table, plus photography and ceremony. Parents want an announcement, so nobody would think their daughter is cohabitating with another man, not an honorable thing in conservative Singapore. In wedding dinners today, it is not the parents who go on stage and say thank you to the guests, but the newly wedded couple who go up to thank their parents, brothers and sisters and those who help in the organisation. That is the only part where the parents are honored. Parents would be happy if they get a bouqet of flowers at the dinner.
Singaporean actually waiting for their BTO before they got married, and share the responsibilities in keep the house and decide if they want children. When you said "Most couples in Singapore are already living a married life" you mean they have sex before they got married? There are more to a married life than having sex.
I don't know how Singaporeans view virginity, how much is virginity in Australia? I guest it depends very much on individual, her values or conviction. Not right to make a sweeping statement.
What happened to this IndoGirl can happen to VietGirl or ChinaGirl, in Singapore, in Malaysia, in Australia..... did IndoGirl cry over the loss of virginity?
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Your situation demands swift actions....divorce is the only way back to freedom again ! Consult your lawyer immediately ! Something must be done !
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You want to know what love is (no, this is not a song title)? Just ask yourself if it is just a habit that you can't leave this person or is He/She the missing puzzle to your life?
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Divorce him la. Get half his inheritance. He can't even fulfil the basic responsibility of a husband, he is not around half the time and he can't afford to support you, what damn use is he?
Whatever he spent, he spent on his fatness and on his gambling habits.
Yes you should go back to Indon, but divorce him first, and try to squeeze as much $$$ from him as you can. Go consult a divorce lawyer.
I can't believe there are so many nice guys in singapore struggling to get girls and you have to settle for this idiot?
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Originally posted by sgdiehard:
Your understanding of Singapore is not quite accurate.
Wedding in Singapore is a bigger deal now, it is over $1000 per table, plus photography and ceremony. Parents want an announcement, so nobody would think their daughter is cohabitating with another man, not an honorable thing in conservative Singapore. In wedding dinners today, it is not the parents who go on stage and say thank you to the guests, but the newly wedded couple who go up to thank their parents, brothers and sisters and those who help in the organisation. That is the only part where the parents are honored. Parents would be happy if they get a bouqet of flowers at the dinner.
Singaporean actually waiting for their BTO before they got married, and share the responsibilities in keep the house and decide if they want children. When you said "Most couples in Singapore are already living a married life" you mean they have sex before they got married? There are more to a married life than having sex.
I don't know how Singaporeans view virginity, how much is virginity in Australia? I guest it depends very much on individual, her values or conviction. Not right to make a sweeping statement.
What happened to this IndoGirl can happen to VietGirl or ChinaGirl, in Singapore, in Malaysia, in Australia..... did IndoGirl cry over the loss of virginity?
I wanna do away with all this rubbish wedding, it is too damn expensive. All the parasites from the restaurants all the way to the freelance photographers are squeezing cash from us.
If want to openly declare to everybody, go and publish your marriage at the Strait Times la or have a simple buffet at home, invite all close friends and relatives.
I got a friend who work as a QC manager at an electronics company, he does part time wedding photography, the biz was so good that he could afford to quit his job and do full time. He advertises his work through facebook, now it has gone viral. It is so rubbish, to pay these people high wages. For me, i would get one of my close friends who is good at photography to do it at half the price.
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Originally posted by speakoutfor:
Divorce him la. Get half his inheritance. He can't even fulfil the basic responsibility of a husband, he is not around half the time and he can't afford to support you, what damn use is he?
Whatever he spent, he spent on his fatness and on his gambling habits.
Yes you should go back to Indon, but divorce him first, and try to squeeze as much $$$ from him as you can. Go consult a divorce lawyer.
I can't believe there are so many nice guys in singapore struggling to get girls and you have to settle for this idiot?
Keep encouraging these gals to get more money. Perfect isn't it?
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Originally posted by Bio-Hawk:
Keep encouraging these gals to get more money. Perfect isn't it?
the problem is rather complicated. rather than finding someone to marry at her country, TS choose to marry blindly into a foriegn country, leaving her friends, family and memories behind just to get someone she barely knows.
The place she came from is unfortuantely a male-driven society. A woman's value is put on her ability to clean, cook, wash...so that they can marry better. And to marry better is marry someone wealthier, and if that someone is wealthier it meant a source of income for the girl.
Hence, the materialism rather than emotional connect to the significant one because she marry someone she barely knows! If you look at her previous post, she kept on thinking that her life is out of her control. She needs someone to save her from being trampled on, betrayed...etc
But I hope TS knows that she is in control of HER LIFE. I advise her to take the money and invest in herself, go to school, get educated and break out of poverty and reliance. Certificates is king in Singapore and TS will need it to find a job.