To walk or to fight on?
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Ok the joke's on me.. We had been casually going out since early months of the year, and getting along pretty well. Out of ‘fun’ (for lack of better word), she even became my ‘pseudo-girlfriend’ during the CNY period when our families were nagging about our singlehood status. Sensing a connection, I began to woo her. During the time of courtship, she might have some residual unresolved past hurts from her last relationship – which she somewhat managed to resolve or buried – but that is of little importance. It was very natural, I read her very well and we enjoyed each other’s company very much. And when time was ripe, I told her to have faith and take a gamble with me – that I ask for nothing except for her to be happy. She agreed and we became an item. It was fun, romantic and surreal. I’ve been in enough relationships to say that this is something I never had before. And somewhere along the way, I lost myself and became that selfish, insecured and possessive guy; and my expectations from nothing rocketed to sky-high. And no, she wasn’t the problem – my fears were unfounded; probably because I, in my folly, wanted to defend against ‘threats that weren’t even there’, being jealous of sh!ts that didn’t matter totally. Not to mention, she’s one hell of an attractive woman and there were guys circling around her constantly (she fended them off). I failed to see that her acceptance is the greatest assurance she could give and finally she left. My petty ways had worn her out finally. It had been 3 weeks since ground zero, she had long retrieved her clothes and belongings from my place, I have past the depressed/despair stage. And what we have left is the awkwardness and running-out-of-topics in the conversations that she or I sometimes initiate, oh yea we are also colleagues.. so not very cool yea.. I see so much potential in this and through the spilt, I realized many things about myself which I resolve to change. She’s one heck of a great girl, and I hate to simply walk away and leave everything to the wind. I want to fight for this, but I got nothing to hold on to except the awkwardness and a ‘friendship’ which isn’t real. Should I walk? Or should I fight on? I want to brace on, but how?
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Is up to u, we can give u a 1000 advice to u, in the end , is up to u.
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You've been a jerk, and you took her for granted.
For her.. it's " too little, too late". Your true colors has revealed itself and it wasn't pretty.
I am assuming you have already done your customary thousands apologies and sworn on your life you will treat her better from now on....words..... with nothing to prove.
Don't go chasing her... all your empty promises will be useless. It'll just be viewed as another of your "get out of jail" card.. except she no longer wants to play.
There's really nothing you can do except BE a better guy. Don't do it for her.. do it for yourself. She'll know if it's truly genuine change or just another of your bullshit act.
Hopefullyy she can SEE the real change in you some time in the future....there is a possibility she MAY change her mind... but don't hold your breath for it.
Good luck.
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Originally posted by Detached:
Ok the joke’s on me..
We had been casually going out since early months of the year, and getting along pretty well. Out of ‘fun’ (for lack of better word), she even became my ‘pseudo-girlfriend’ during the CNY period when our families were nagging about our singlehood status.
Sensing a connection, I began to woo her. During the time of courtship, she might have some residual unresolved past hurts from her last relationship – which she somewhat managed to resolve or buried – but that is of little importance. It was very natural, I read her very well and we enjoyed each other’s company very much. And when time was ripe, I told her to have faith and take a gamble with me – that I ask for nothing except for her to be happy.
She agreed and we became an item.
It was fun, romantic and surreal. I’ve been in enough relationships to say that this is something I never had before. And somewhere along the way, I lost myself and became that selfish, insecured and possessive guy; and my expectations from nothing rocketed to sky-high.
And no, she wasn’t the problem – my fears were unfounded; probably because I, in my folly, wanted to defend against ‘threats that weren’t even there’, being jealous of sh!ts that didn’t matter totally. Not to mention, she’s one hell of an attractive woman and there were guys circling around her constantly (she fended them off). I failed to see that her acceptance is the greatest assurance she could give and finally she left. My petty ways had worn her out finally.
It had been 3 weeks since ground zero, she had long retrieved her clothes and belongings from my place, I have past the depressed/despair stage. And what we have left is the awkwardness and running-out-of-topics in the conversations that she or I sometimes initiate, oh yea we are also colleagues.. so not very cool yea..
I see so much potential in this and through the spilt, I realized many things about
myself which I resolve to change. She’s one heck of a great girl, and I hate to simply walk away and leave everything to the wind. I want to fight for this, but I got nothing to hold on to except the awkwardness and a ‘friendship’ which isn’t real.Should I walk? Or should I fight on? I want to brace on, but how?
????i thought folks in spore got more important issues than this??u sound like a malaysian or something from looks of it.....no sporean has got time for stuff like this really... -
Well, at least U know wat's wrong...
If you think U can change for the better then I think U shld fight on. if you have no confidence then move on... dun take other ppl happiness for gamble...
Do let us have more updates, U've been missing for quite long...
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From your posting, i assumed that u had only 1 or few relationships before u ended up with her.This could explain why u are over possessive.
Trust is the most important factor in a long run relationship, u got to learn from your mistakes.
For the moment, i suggest u stay put and treat her like a normal colleague with no special treatment.Take this as a cooling period and considered she was already gone.
What is yours is yours, let nature take its course.
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What does your gut say... at times, those fears you have... is actually your gut instinct trying to let you know what's really happening.
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Originally posted by BadzMaro:
What does your gut say... at times, those fears you have... is actually your gut instinct trying to let you know what's really happening.
There are times where ur gut just go haywire...Everything single small simple thing, you think it to be extremely complicated, akin to playing those "mind games". Every small action or gesture, you tend to think that there is some hidden conspiracy or meaning behind it when it's a simple thought...
Past experience and stress tends to leads to this type of situation...
though, I dun think detached got problem with his confidence level...
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wa u so poor thing
then u got cry or not
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问世间情为何物...
make pple want to die and dont want to die like that
haiz
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i think u stay as friend 1st at the time being
dont rush into anything
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I read some of the posts and I really cringed... esp that Jojobeach's reply.. I think at this juncture.. all the past mistakes and etc are really water under the bridge.. no point keep harping on them :( Got stone-walled again when I threw a casual invitation to watch a movie together.. She said "go with some other girl" but if you're not going can I get the free tix? Sigh.. so hard
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Originally posted by ^Acid^ aka s|aO^eH~:
There are times where ur gut just go haywire...Everything single small simple thing, you think it to be extremely complicated, akin to playing those "mind games". Every small action or gesture, you tend to think that there is some hidden conspiracy or meaning behind it when it's a simple thought...
Past experience and stress tends to leads to this type of situation...
though, I dun think detached got problem with his confidence level...
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If you think its worth it, go after her again.
But it could get messy.
Beware of the office politics, if people notice you are having trouble with her, they may just think that you can't focus on your job.
Don't wait until you improved yourself and be able to demonstrate to her you changed, because by then, other guys would have conquered her heart (as you say, the vultures circling).
Maybe reason as to why you are possessive, could have been due to your past relationships. Past hurts may have caused bias opinions.
My first girlfriend, preferred me, years ago because I never had a relationship before while she had gone through 3 relationships. But anyway, it didn't work out, haha.
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the joke is really on u if u give up the whole forest coz of 1 tree...
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in the beginning the relationship was so romantic and happy then after the confirmation your jealous make you unreasonable.
This gave her stress and frustration. how to continue the rest of her life with you. this prolly was the reason she wanted out
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asking her out for a movie was not a bad thing
at least from her reply u know where is the relationship is heading to
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Originally posted by Detached:
Ok the joke’s on me..
We had been casually going out since early months of the year, and getting along pretty well. Out of ‘fun’ (for lack of better word), she even became my ‘pseudo-girlfriend’ during the CNY period when our families were nagging about our singlehood status.
Sensing a connection, I began to woo her. During the time of courtship, she might have some residual unresolved past hurts from her last relationship – which she somewhat managed to resolve or buried – but that is of little importance. It was very natural, I read her very well and we enjoyed each other’s company very much. And when time was ripe, I told her to have faith and take a gamble with me – that I ask for nothing except for her to be happy.
She agreed and we became an item.
It was fun, romantic and surreal. I’ve been in enough relationships to say that this is something I never had before. And somewhere along the way, I lost myself and became that selfish, insecured and possessive guy; and my expectations from nothing rocketed to sky-high.
And no, she wasn’t the problem – my fears were unfounded; probably because I, in my folly, wanted to defend against ‘threats that weren’t even there’, being jealous of sh!ts that didn’t matter totally. Not to mention, she’s one hell of an attractive woman and there were guys circling around her constantly (she fended them off). I failed to see that her acceptance is the greatest assurance she could give and finally she left. My petty ways had worn her out finally.
It had been 3 weeks since ground zero, she had long retrieved her clothes and belongings from my place, I have past the depressed/despair stage. And what we have left is the awkwardness and running-out-of-topics in the conversations that she or I sometimes initiate, oh yea we are also colleagues.. so not very cool yea..
I see so much potential in this and through the spilt, I realized many things about
myself which I resolve to change. She’s one heck of a great girl, and I hate to simply walk away and leave everything to the wind. I want to fight for this, but I got nothing to hold on to except the awkwardness and a ‘friendship’ which isn’t real.Should I walk? Or should I fight on? I want to brace on, but how?
Adopting a stance that you cannot upkeep will only serve to burst into a flame of nothingness somewhere down the line. You started off with the flirting and causal dating, which might gave her the impression that you are easy-going, confident and non-possessive. She probably realized that the price she is going to pay to remain in this relationship isn't worth the value in exchange - getting out is probably an easier option. Being colleagues certainly complicate the matter a little, especially when you have to work with her. It is hard to draw boundary - between professional and personal - and fighting on (in your definition) might end up a HR issue.
Somehow, you get the sense that this gnawing insecurity is ruining the potentiality of a good relationship. However, this is one hell of a devil that is arduous to surmount: you are likely to have anxious attachment - in which your anxiety unconsciously starts pumping in the minute you sense your partner is not giving you the attention, love and expectation that you need. You seek for anecdotal signs that would suggest (even subtle ones) that partner do not love you, even if it sounds illogical when you share them openly.
You might be able to accept things logically, but emotionally, it is a hard fight within.
Perhaps seeing this woman as a catalysis to awake your motivation for self improvements could spur inner change. After all, when we fail to change our environment, we are challenged to change ourselves.
Cheers
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Yunnie, is there a term for this???
Somehow, you get the sense that this gnawing insecurity is ruining the potentiality of a good relationship. However, this is one hell of a devil that is arduous to surmount: you are likely to have anxious attachment - in which your anxiety unconsciously starts pumping in the minute you sense your partner is not giving you the attention, love and expectation that you need. You seek for anecdotal signs that would suggest (even subtle ones) that partner do not love you, even if it sounds illogical when you share them openly.
You might be able to accept things logically, but emotionally, it is a hard fight within.
This is quite common and I was wondering if there is a known term for this...
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Fight on. If you think that she is truly the want that you want to spend the rest of your life with then go for it i'd say. Never let a chance slip away. For once it's gone, it's gone forever. If she's willing to give you a 2nd chance, grab it and never let it go. They say that relationships will strengthen if you manage to sort things out, come to an agreement and get back together after a break up. Good luck!
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Originally posted by ^Acid^ aka s|aO^eH~:
Yunnie, is there a term for this???
This is quite common and I was wondering if there is a known term for this...
Under Attachment Theory, this is call this Anxious Attachment - usually folks wouldn't realize it until they enter into a relationship. P.S: Our relationship is like a mirror to ourselves; our behaviour reflects our inner state of condition.
Cheers