Advice please: To leave or not to leave him

• Jadiry

  31 Mar 13, 21:19

  I need opinions on what to do. My husband have left me for his friend (he call her his godsister). This woman is in the midst of getting a divorce (her 2nd) and she has 2 teens to support. My husband had sex before with other women during our marriage when I was working night shift and he was jobless - he had asked his female friends to come our flat. When I asked him about it, he denied it, so I let the matter slide after he accused me of trusting my best friend more than I trust him. Now he has walked out on me in Jan'13. He said he wants a divorce as he no longer love me. He said I am boring, can't cook well, stingy (because I can't afford to buy a motorbike for him) and too stupid in bed. Also that I am ugly and fat and nag too much. I was not aware that he was actually dating another woman until during CNY when my higher being made me check his email account (my husband had insisted I memorise his passwords). And I found a photo he send to her calling himself her husband. He said he will file for divorce after he moved his things out of our flat, and that he wants to sell the flat. Can someone please tell me if he can actaully divorce me? If the flat is sold; I will be homeless.
• Medicated Oil

  31 Mar 13, 21:39

  Can see that you are in very emotional state at the moment.

  I would suggest you bring your best friend to meet up with a marriage counsellor to resolve your issues.

  Hope you do not have any kid at the moment.

  Take care.

   

• Dalforce 1941

  31 Mar 13, 21:45

  Seek help from professional marriage counsellor.

• Jadiry

  31 Mar 13, 21:49

  I am seeing a church counselor now. My hsuband refused to see the counselor with me though. I don't want a divorce, but it seems I do not have a choice :(

  Originally posted by Medicated Oil:

  Can see that you are in very emotional state at the moment.

  I would suggest you bring your best friend to meet up with a marriage counsellor to resolve your issues.

  Hope you do not have any kid at the moment.

  Take care.

   

  
  
• FireIce

  31 Mar 13, 21:53

  yes. leave. 

• Medicated Oil

  31 Mar 13, 21:56

  Good that you are meeting a counsellor.

  But, you would need one with financial and law background to handle the issue.

  Nothing wrong about having divorce as you have no love for each other.

  I know it is against the policy of some religion.

  But, you should take control of your life and formulate a new and better chapter in your life.

  It is not a sign of failure or weakness, just making a decision to pursue happiness for yourself.

• TehJarVu

  31 Mar 13, 21:59

  u should be seeing a lawyer and not marriage counsellor

• Jadiry

  1 Apr 13, 23:07

  Thank you for everyone's advice. At this moment, I am not sure how to go about seeking a lawyer - financial wise, I am quite broke right now. He used up all my savings and I am still in debt to a few banks because I took some loans to tide us over the periods when he was jobless. Now that he left me; I am just starting to save up again, $50 when I can afford to - since I am paying all the bills/loans myself right now. His phone line is under my name and I am paying for him, at least until the contract for the line ends... Maybe everyone thinks I am pathetic for still trying to protect him. I honestly still love him; but on his part I understand that he totally have no feelings for me left. And honestly it hurts a lot, because I really commit my all to this marriage of 7 years. I just keep wondering what I do so wrong for him to walk out on me. He said everything is my fault - his job-hopping, his loss of interest in me...
• BotaHead

  2 Apr 13, 12:36

  hm......

  no point clinging onto a person that have no more feeling for u, i think

  whats impotant now is u need to handle your emotion part,

  its hurt at the beginning but time will heal...hopefully

• maxsee

  2 Apr 13, 12:44

  U r dumb....wake up and move on with your life....time will heal all your wounds eventually...:)

• lce

  2 Apr 13, 15:21

  kids?

• Jadiry

  2 Apr 13, 21:13

  Originally posted by maxsee:

  U r dumb....wake up and move on with your life....time will heal all your wounds eventually...:)

  
  I may be dumb, but still; I still got feeling for him. He told me he will be filing the divorce papers - and I don't know on what grounds he can file against me. Neither of us are getting high salary. I just wonder if I should get a lawyer now or when he files. Any idea?
• FireIce

  2 Apr 13, 22:07

  divorce got anything to do with salary?

• CHLIM

  2 Apr 13, 23:44

  Originally posted by FireIce:

  divorce got anything to do with salary?

  
  Yes. Alimony.
• TehJarVu

  2 Apr 13, 23:51

  Originally posted by Jadiry:

  
  I may be dumb, but still; I still got feeling for him. He told me he will be filing the divorce papers - and I don't know on what grounds he can file against me. Neither of us are getting high salary. I just wonder if I should get a lawyer now or when he files. Any idea?

  
  he is the one want out
  you should file and state your terms
  he is eager to leave
  he will sign

   

  should not be the other way round

• TehJarVu

  2 Apr 13, 23:54

  this thread got contacts for free legal services

  check them out yourself

  http://sgforums.com/forums/8/topics/467752

• CHLIM

  2 Apr 13, 23:54

  To TS, You have to prepare to engage a lawyer if needed. In the event that he should file for a divorce, you need a lawyer to protect your interest. Or someone who know the process and can protect your rights. One of your worries is losing your home. Check this link if you are eligible to keep your house : http://www.hdb.gov.sg/fi10/fi10326p.nsf/w/ChgOwnerDivorce?OpenDocument
• FireIce

  2 Apr 13, 23:56

  squeeze as much as u can (yes, get a good lawyer to help u with tt)

  then byebye

• TehJarVu

  2 Apr 13, 23:57

  you should contact/engage a lawyer now, immediately

• jojobeach

  3 Apr 13, 00:04

  Unfortunately a marriage takes two to work.

  If he wants to leave you, you can't stop him.

  Divorce does not need your permission.

  The court only decides asset allocation and child custody,  the judge cannot deny him his freedom just because you refused to let go.

  I think it's best you prepare for the worst and be ready to protect yourself from the years of disappointment that will follow. 

   

• BotaHead

  3 Apr 13, 07:17

  he can still divorce u even without your consent but he need to do a 3 years seperation with u. it just take a little longer only.

  since u still cant let go of this relationship, maybe u can drag him for 3 years and see how loh.

  during this 3 years he might change his mind and come back to u, then again, this might also be a false hope.

  sorry, i didnt mean to rub salt onto your wound...

• Jadiry

  5 Apr 13, 19:41

  Dear all, Thanks so much for your replies. Some points I have failed to mention: - We do not have kids. - I know I should be the one filing; but I want to keep the flat. He can stay with his mistress while I only have this flat. To TehJarVu: I will check the link for lawyer from you earlier, thank you. As far as I have checked, I can only keep this flat on my own when I turn 35 years old. I am only 31 now :( I think he will go through LAB (Legal Aid Bureau) to file for divorce - but I don't know on what grounds he can file against me. While if I were to file; I can say he is committing adultery. But if I file, I lose this flat. That's why I am waiting for him to file. To BotaHead: I doubt he will come back to me - as I can see from his photos with that woman - he is very happy - in fact he is happier with than when he was with me. I must have been blind to not see that he isn't happy in this marriage. All the signs were there: - constant job hopping - blaming me for everything that goes wrong for him - not wanting sex since years back I want to get on with my life; but I can't get him out of my mind! How do I just stop thinking of this man? People keep tell me to get on with life, that he is not worth it. But for 10 years; I keep thinking I wasn't good enough for him and he tells me the same also. My self esteem is at rock bottom; somedays I don't know why I still bother living.
• Devoted gal8888

  7 Apr 13, 01:11

  r u staying in hdb?

  how many years you all married already ?

   hw many years have you stay ? as oni 5yrs then can sell flat...

  did u contribute on house loan? hw many percent?

  according to women's chapter, i tink he need to giv u at least 50% of the house divide...do not sign anyting that he tell u to sign, seek for lawyer advise...

  usualy if divorce, i tink is unreasonable behaviour tat can be find...but in this case it is adultery ....do u hav photos of them naked or kissing or very close ? if yes, u can sue...if no, then forget it.as sue with adultery need alot money ..

  ..talk to him...tell him your demands....like u want 70% of flat asset allocation and do a deed of separation with laywer (cost estimate about 1k, ask him to pay since he wan the divorce) and after 3 yrs can take effect (if both parties agree) or 4 yrs (if 1 party dun agree) and divorce.

  i understand how u feel, i have just gone through this (if you search my topics) ...

  i also like you...sudenly my husband say dun love me...haha and i still love him so much and keep thinking round n round...till now still canot get over it..but time will heal..when you are being stabbed till no feeling, u be immuned...n get on with life...the MOST TOUGHEST part is to accept REALITY That he has DUMPED YOU and NOT LOVE YOU ANYMORE ! ...as now u still tink hw come this hapen to you....and still hope he will come back..and u dun wan divorce....its never fair to u....but it rely hapen now...you cannot keep thinkin...

   

  i know its hard...you need time..diferent people need differ length of time...i took about 3 months...not easy...canot eat canot slep..keep crying...canot work....in office work till halfway go toilet cry....in bus cry ...and go to places we have been or think of things hapen tat we hapily do before i will cry....not easy at all...but face the fact.....to move on with life...it is not your fault..it is lust....men canot resist...so don tok about eternity...n love forever...haha woman must be strong, and independent and think about working towards your career, upgrading yourself study and spend more time with family...mayb you sell house got money liao can buy another house ...

  after u go through, u be stronger...dun tink of dying..not worth it...your parents will be hurt and your friends n family who dote you ...and if u die, he can get the whole flat himself....by using your death certificate...(you can check with hdb on these)...btw do you and ur husband have HPS insured? make sure he has ...so that if he happen to die, the house will go to you.....

  btw,

  how is your income like?

  if you dun earn so much, you can go to free consultation from lawyer, there is a list..

  go call and ask , below list may help u...

  http://legalclinics.sg/index.php?r=all

  No matter what , life still goes on...tell yourself witout him u can also live..and u must live better than him...be more happier than him...so tat he will regret dumping u...

  life is short...i am also still healing...

  good luck !~

   

   

• Devoted gal8888

  7 Apr 13, 01:17

  oh ya

  and also...

  if you all later change ur mind these years dun wan divorce, can u accept he betrayed u ?

  if so, how will u try to make ur relationship better? u know u canot mention about this case anymore and must pretend nothing hapen n get along with him, are you able to do it?

  bcos if not, you keep taking this case out whenever quarel or what, things will not work out...it will be tough on you..

  give it some thought...you got plenty of time..divorce is a long process..not like rom pay few dollars..sign can get married lor..

   

• Jadiry

  7 Apr 13, 13:33

  Originally posted by Devoted gal8888:

  r u staying in hdb?

  how many years you all married already ?

   hw many years have you stay ? as oni 5yrs then can sell flat...

  did u contribute on house loan? hw many percent?

  according to women's chapter, i tink he need to giv u at least 50% of the house divide...do not sign anyting that he tell u to sign, seek for lawyer advise...

  usualy if divorce, i tink is unreasonable behaviour tat can be find...but in this case it is adultery ....do u hav photos of them naked or kissing or very close ? if yes, u can sue...if no, then forget it.as sue with adultery need alot money ..

  ..talk to him...tell him your demands....like u want 70% of flat asset allocation and do a deed of separation with laywer (cost estimate about 1k, ask him to pay since he wan the divorce) and after 3 yrs can take effect (if both parties agree) or 4 yrs (if 1 party dun agree) and divorce.

  i understand how u feel, i have just gone through this (if you search my topics) ...

  i also like you...sudenly my husband say dun love me...haha and i still love him so much and keep thinking round n round...till now still canot get over it..but time will heal..when you are being stabbed till no feeling, u be immuned...n get on with life...the MOST TOUGHEST part is to accept REALITY That he has DUMPED YOU and NOT LOVE YOU ANYMORE ! ...as now u still tink hw come this hapen to you....and still hope he will come back..and u dun wan divorce....its never fair to u....but it rely hapen now...you cannot keep thinkin...

   

  i know its hard...you need time..diferent people need differ length of time...i took about 3 months...not easy...canot eat canot slep..keep crying...canot work....in office work till halfway go toilet cry....in bus cry ...and go to places we have been or think of things hapen tat we hapily do before i will cry....not easy at all...but face the fact.....to move on with life...it is not your fault..it is lust....men canot resist...so don tok about eternity...n love forever...haha woman must be strong, and independent and think about working towards your career, upgrading yourself study and spend more time with family...mayb you sell house got money liao can buy another house ...

  after u go through, u be stronger...dun tink of dying..not worth it...your parents will be hurt and your friends n family who dote you ...and if u die, he can get the whole flat himself....by using your death certificate...(you can check with hdb on these)...btw do you and ur husband have HPS insured? make sure he has ...so that if he happen to die, the house will go to you.....

  btw,

  how is your income like?

  if you dun earn so much, you can go to free consultation from lawyer, there is a list..

  go call and ask , below list may help u...

  http://legalclinics.sg/index.php?r=all

  No matter what , life still goes on...tell yourself witout him u can also live..and u must live better than him...be more happier than him...so tat he will regret dumping u...

  life is short...i am also still healing...

  good luck !~

   

   

  
  Dear Devoted Gal8888, Thank you so much for sharing for me. I am seeing a 'mirror' here. We stayed in this 3-rm HDB flat for near 7 years already. So definately can sell. I am paying the loan on this flat since May 2011 - after his CPF got depleted, but be4 that we were both paying 50-50 on the loan. And yes, we are both HPS insured. I have photos of them close tgt and also his FB messages to her and emails... (FB n emails - not I spy, but cos he insisted I memorise his passwords - and he hasn't bothered to change them... weird). -- so mean I can sue, but I rather not waste my money since I only just start saving again. I can't stand talking to him right now; I don't even want to see him. Thinking about him make me cry (at work, at home, on transport - like you) And somehow I know the minute I see him I will start crying and begging him to come back - that is how pathetic I am. What I am doing right now - 1) Checking with AWARE if I can do a follow up on the legal aid clinic - cos the last time I went, I thought I was the one who had to file, but now I am told to let him file - cos he wants the divorce. 2) Finding things to occupy myself - reading, trying new recipes, eating LOTS of ice cream, go jogging... etc. My friends got sick of me lamenting about him/her and told me to help myself first... Maybe I will go back study again also. 3) Saving up what money I can put aside - so that I can hire a lawyer when the time comes to fight. 4) Prayers... I trust God to take care of this His way. __________ If he choose to come back: I know I can't harp about the past if I accept him back. This is the hard part; cos its so difficult not to think backward. I am not sure what I will do actually. My friends predict that I will straight open door and let him home :( Not a very good thought to me. I feel if I do that I am weak - becoz I won't even know if he truly change or not right. **Devoted Gal8888, you need to stay strong also ok? I am cheering you on. And thank you again for the advice - to make me think. God bless you!