Should siblings have any say in your relationship?
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Ever since I got attached.. My older bro always got issues with my boyfriend.. It has been more than a year.. My parents and younger bro have no issue with him.. But only my older bro.. Seems to dislike him alot.. Always out to criticise him behind his back.. And nowadays he will tell me to quickly get married and move out ASAP.. D:
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ah. tts his idea. he wants more space.
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Although ppl always say r/s eventually becomes something that involves both families, it is ultimately your relationship and you take ownership for it. Of course it is important to get the blessings of your family... But sometimes things may not be that easy. Do you think your bf is someone worth yOu fighting for? If yes, fight for the approval! If all has been done and yet your bro's view still remains the same, then Ignore him! Ultimately, you are the one who is with him, not your brO. Been through something quite the same... A lot is going to depend on your choice
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Actually I have been avoiding that topic for a year.. And rarely talk to him anymore.. But shld this remains forever? Seems "unhealthy"..
Well.. I usually hear that it is the sister in law that is hard to get along.. Not brother in law... Zzz.. I ever thought about being mean to his gf when he gets one.. Well.. It will just make things worse I guess...
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anyway u are the one getting married and the one moving out rite?
he dun have a say unless he marrying ur bf -
Well, yes.. Just hope to receive blessing from all.. esp those close to me.. After all will still see each other from time to time for a lifetime.. would be good to resolve before marriage.. Seems impossible huh..?
Well... Still got few years to work on it while waiting for flat..
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Are they co-paying for your wedding, hdb flat and future child support?
If so, then maybe they can have a say.
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Originally posted by MindThots:
Ever since I got attached.. My older bro always got issues with my boyfriend.. It has been more than a year.. My parents and younger bro have no issue with him.. But only my older bro.. Seems to dislike him alot.. Always out to criticise him behind his back.. And nowadays he will tell me to quickly get married and move out ASAP.. D:
I think it is unwise to disregard your older brother's concerns just because your other family members turned a blind eye to your bf's flaws.
What kind of issues does your older brother has on your boyfriend ?
Are those valid concerns ?
Is your brother , being the outsider, better able to sight potential downfalls ?
Perhaps it will be better for the relationship with your brother and for the sake of your future spouse, if you can sit down and rationally address whatever is/are bothering him.
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Hmmm.. As far as I know..
1. He is working in a field where he did not graduate from. But he's an asst manager already. And perhaps not a grad from a prestigious uni...
2. He is not a local, but a SPR now.
3. Maybe.. A Chinese but couldn't speak mandarin..?
4. Same age as my bro.. Not sure if it matters..
First 2 are things he highlighted before..
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Originally posted by MindThots:
Hmmm.. As far as I know..
1. He is working in a field where he did not graduate from. But he's an asst manager already. And perhaps not a grad from a prestigious uni...
2. He is not a local, but a SPR now.
3. Maybe.. A Chinese but couldn't speak mandarin..?
4. Same age as my bro.. Not sure if it matters..
First 2 are things he highlighted before..
A non PR can become a SGC sooner or later... and who says not a grad from a prestigious uni and someone who's not working in the area of his studies, cant give u a good life after marriage? is your bro from a prestigious university? if he is, tell him to get lost with his elitist mentality, if he aint, then he shldn't be commenting about that aspect of ur bf. Is ur bro working in his area of studies? if not, what difference is ur bro from ur bf? Always rmb, u choose others, others choose u too. So if he wants to kpkb about ur bf, make sure he is at least more than 1 cut above him.
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Originally posted by [imdestinyz]:
A non PR can become a SGC sooner or later... and who says not a grad from a prestigious uni and someone who's not working in the area of his studies, cant give u a good life after marriage? is your bro from a prestigious university? if he is, tell him to get lost with his elitist mentality, if he aint, then he shldn't be commenting about that aspect of ur bf. Is ur bro working in his area of studies? if not, what difference is ur bro from ur bf? Always rmb, u choose others, others choose u too. So if he wants to kpkb about ur bf, make sure he is at least more than 1 cut above him.
yup, he has intention to become SGC but i would rather he's not going to.. having multiple citizenship in a family might be good for doing business in future or some other thing. hmmm.. yea.. all his life he has been in quite a good school.. same goes for the people around him i guess.. he is not exactly from the same field, somewhat similar. He keeps emphasizing that I shld be realistic that this is SG where the paper matters..And, I believe this topic is not wise to bring up this issue to my bf right..? which might make the matter worse.
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er... pm me bah... i share abit of what i've done and how i've seen things with you. Would prefer not to reveal my case over here.
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The only thing I am missing here is how does your bf treat your family. AKA his attitude towards you and towards your family.
Small things that are not apprantly to you, might mean alot of things to the family. Example, simple things like you helping your bf to clean up after a meal with your family, might not mean anything to you but to the family, the number one thinking "what is wrong with this dude, he got no hands no legs is it? why the heck he cannot clean up himself, he is supposed to take care of my sister and not the another way around and why my sister must clean up for this a**hole" and misunderstanding can happen and I know this kind of thing vary between families but just take note, small small stuff can mean big big things in eyes of others.
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Originally posted by octega:
The only thing I am missing here is how does your bf treat your family. AKA his attitude towards you and towards your family.
Small things that are not apprantly to you, might mean alot of things to the family. Example, simple things like you helping your bf to clean up after a meal with your family, might not mean anything to you but to the family, the number one thinking "what is wrong with this dude, he got no hands no legs is it? why the heck he cannot clean up himself, he is supposed to take care of my sister and not the another way around and why my sister must clean up for this a**hole" and misunderstanding can happen and I know this kind of thing vary between families but just take note, small small stuff can mean big big things in eyes of others.
hehe.. he always the one helping me to clean up.. *i am the lazy one* >_<
I am not sure if it might be due to the fact that he usually will come to my place for dinner.. But it was initiated by my mum..
Or is it just even longer time for him to get used to his presence...?
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Originally posted by MindThots:
Hmmm.. As far as I know..
1. He is working in a field where he did not graduate from. But he's an asst manager already. And perhaps not a grad from a prestigious uni...
2. He is not a local, but a SPR now.
3. Maybe.. A Chinese but couldn't speak mandarin..?
4. Same age as my bro.. Not sure if it matters..
First 2 are things he highlighted before..
Well, at least your bf has his degree and a stable job. Perhaps there is some misunderstanding.
I think it is important your bf don't have dinner too often at your house.
Your brother may feel that his privacy is being invaded, since he is still living with your parents. Guys can be rather territorial.
Granted your mom did invite him to dinner at home, your brother may not be aware of it...still ...It is not a good idea for a guy to be feeding off the girl's family.
How often does your bf treat your parents/family to dinner ? Is there an exchange of kindness , or is your boyfriend just enjoying the goodies offered ?
You must understand that he is your bf, he is not your brother's bf, nor is he part of your family yet.
Treat your bf like a family member AFTER he formally becomes a family member.
Like what our parents always tells us.. " why buy the cow when the milk is free "
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Just an example, if your boyfriend is the kind who like to stay overnight in your house often and every morning he woke up early and have to "fight" with the washroom with your brother who also need to wake up early for work and need to use the washroom, your bf have an habit of using your home's thing like PC as if it is really his home, try to do thing to grab your mother or other family members "good books" and make your brother look "bad" (We all know the story how parent also like to compare their own children with other "talent" people and say son/daughter how come you cannot be like that boy next door who is an "A" grade student.)
Anyway, if your BF has a sister and his sister's BF do the "same" thing in his parent's house, maybe he will see the error of his way.
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Originally posted by jojobeach:
Well, at least your bf has his degree and a stable job. Perhaps there is some misunderstanding.
I think it is important your bf don't have dinner too often at your house.
Your brother may feel that his privacy is being invaded, since he is still living with your parents. Guys can be rather territorial.
Granted your mom did invite him to dinner at home, your brother may not be aware of it...still ...It is not a good idea for a guy to be feeding off the girl's family.
How often does your bf treat your parents/family to dinner ? Is there an exchange of kindness , or is your boyfriend just enjoying the goodies offered ?
You must understand that he is your bf, he is not your brother's bf, nor is he part of your family yet.
Treat your bf like a family member AFTER he formally becomes a family member.
Like what our parents always tells us.. " why buy the cow when the milk is free "
Actually he used to eat before coming over to my place.. And maybe from time to time, I will dine outside with him. Perhaps my mum feels that outside food is not so healthy, so she invited him to come daily. Sometimes, he would bring some gifts ocassionally as well, and even scarier amt when we travel back to his hometown. And, It has been a routine that we walk my dog every evening, so it is not exactly seen as he come over just for free food.
We used to stay below and play with my dog, and never enter my place. I was hoping for the situation to improve if he goes over more often..
Originally posted by M the name:Just an example, if your boyfriend is the kind who like to stay overnight in your house often and every morning he woke up early and have to "fight" with the washroom with your brother who also need to wake up early for work and need to use the washroom, your bf have an habit of using your home's thing like PC as if it is really his home, try to do thing to grab your mother or other family members "good books" and make your brother look "bad" (We all know the story how parent also like to compare their own children with other "talent" people and say son/daughter how come you cannot be like that boy next door who is an "A" grade student.)
Anyway, if your BF has a sister and his sister's BF do the "same" thing in his parent's house, maybe he will see the error of his way.
Well, my BF dun really chat with my family, except talking bout games with my younger bro.. and sometimes with my mum.. So, I'm not sure in any other aspect there is any misunderstanding.
One significant difference is that when my BF is around, he would put on his top.
IMO, for basic respect for the females in the house, guys shld be dressed properly at all times...?
Nope, my BF doesnt have a sister..
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Originally posted by [imdestinyz]:
Although ppl always say r/s eventually becomes something that involves both families, it is ultimately your relationship and you take ownership for it. Of course it is important to get the blessings of your family… But sometimes things may not be that easy. Do you think your bf is someone worth yOu fighting for? If yes, fight for the approval! If all has been done and yet your bro’s view still remains the same, then Ignore him! Ultimately, you are the one who is with him, not your brO.
Been through something quite the same… A lot is going to depend on your choice
Exactly what I think too!
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Originally posted by MindThots:
Actually he used to eat before coming over to my place.. And maybe from time to time, I will dine outside with him. Perhaps my mum feels that outside food is not so healthy, so she invited him to come daily. Sometimes, he would bring some gifts ocassionally as well, and even scarier amt when we travel back to his hometown. And, It has been a routine that we walk my dog every evening, so it is not exactly seen as he come over just for free food.
We used to stay below and play with my dog, and never enter my place. I was hoping for the situation to improve if he goes over more often..
Well, my BF dun really chat with my family, except talking bout games with my younger bro.. and sometimes with my mum.. So, I'm not sure in any other aspect there is any misunderstanding.
One significant difference is that when my BF is around, he would put on his top.
IMO, for basic respect for the females in the house, guys shld be dressed properly at all times...?
Nope, my BF doesnt have a sister..
I suggest you hold back the house visits for a couple of month and observe if the situation improves.
My brother is one who doesnt care, he will walk around in his boxer shorts ( underwear) even when my friends visit, often he will pee with the toilet door wide open...he says he will do what he likes because that is his home. If we don't like it, we can take a hike into the mountains.
Your older brother is obviously not comfortable having an outsider in his home.And your bf is invading his privacy daily...
As much as you wish for your brother to accept your bf, you must first need to RESPECT your brother's need for privacy.
If you continue to shove your bf in your brother's face, the conflict will only increase. The animosity can escalate to your brother eventually telling your bF off directly. When that happens, the relationship can no longer be fixed.
Never force acceptance on another person. Acceptance must come from a person's true willingness.
If you have to eat out everyday, so be it. If your mom has to pack dinner for you to picnic downstairs, it has to be done. That is the sacrifice you need to make to ensure harmony for your bf's relationship with your family, so do what you need to do.
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i am sure your elder bro fuck care who marris you. your boyfriend and you are probably intruding into his space. so he wants you quickly get married. its clear, he dont go against your bf, he just want some fucking space to sleep and move around.