but ts seems to think thats romantic
Thanks for the answers.
Life is surreal.
Don't put yourself in the position of a substitute lo
Love is blind
Do you think he's obsessed with her?
yes he is, on the contary, are you obssessed with him?
Bromance.
Originally posted by Waitingforu:This guy is my good friend.
What does it mean if a man aged 34, was poring into the Facebook profile of his ex daily for over a month? He's stopped since. He'd force himself to stop after obsessing for a month. Then he will be back at it again after 6-7 months of abstainance. What is going on?
She has been married for 4 years now. He's known her since he was in college in 2002, and has loved her since so it's been 11 year now. He says circumstances were between them which did not allow them to be together but from what I understand she developed feelings for him as well.
In 2008, when she told him she was getting married, he says he abruptly disappeared from her life in a dramatic fashion, like a complete disappearance without saying bye. I think he was really crushed. It seems like she did marry the following year and still is married.
I thought that with his disappearing from her life and not speaking to her, he had moved on, he still wondered about her and tried to look her up online in 2010. He confirmed that she had married but from what I knew he couldn't really tear himself away and was in a limbo, exchanging weekly pleasantries with her until mid 2011. I thought he had finally moved on when it stopped, but I found out that he masked his cell number and called her at the start of 2012 to hear her say Hello, and hung up.
I believed that he finally moved on early this year (2012), but I discovered that he had looked at her profile daily all through October and stopped himself only after Halloween. He discovered that she had moved cities with her husband.
But he's stopped.
Is my friend still into that woman, or is he over her and is just curious and wonders about her now and then (which many ex-es do), this I can accept?
I think he is obsessed with what has left inconclusive between him and the woman. People are inclined to keep thinking about what they think they can have or change but in the end they can't. It's kinda a "what if/if only" clause. Sadly, this kind of obsession can last like forever until the so called victim has found a complete answer to his agony which is perhaps an open coversation to the other person. But obsession isn't always love, imo. That said, his feelings may have faded but he still can't take her off his mind because of having no official closure to his past with her.
Basically what this guy needs is a closure.... But for this r/s, closure is not gonna come easily... And how well he moves on, is a mystery... Why Put yourself in a position waiting for him?
Originally posted by [imdestinyz]:Basically what this guy needs is a closure.... But for this r/s, closure is not gonna come easily... And how well he moves on, is a mystery... Why Put yourself in a position waiting for him?
Come on! I kinda have the same problem with the guy TS is concerning lah (not that bad of course). What if the guy I'm seeing now would seek advice from fellows like you and will run away from me? LOL just kidding.
But I think this depends a lot on how close TS is to the guy, how much she likes him and how long she is willing to wait for him. Because this definitely needs to be discussed openly between her and the guy. Guessing will just hurt her eventually. It's said that "If you don't ask, the answer is always no".
Originally posted by becalm:I think he is obsessed with what has left inconclusive between him and the woman. People are inclined to keep thinking about what they think they can have or change but in the end they can't. It's kinda a "what if/if only" clause. Sadly, this kind of obsession can last like forever until the so called victim has found a complete answer to his agony which is perhaps an open coversation to the other person. But obsession isn't always love, imo. That said, his feelings may have faded but he still can't take her off his mind because of having no official closure to his past with her.
She's married! Marriage is the most final of relationships and most absolute of any decision a person can make in life. Isn't it? The day the woman got married should have been the day he received closure because once someone gets married, game over for all other suitors, case closed. That's why he chose to cut her off once she told him she was getting married. He couldn't be friends with her or talk to her anymore. Maybe it hurt too much. To me, her marriage should have served as closure for him, but I'm not sure it has, with him still chained by his obsession.
He says she is beautiful, smart and funny, they have similar family backgrounds, and share the same sense of humour, and have an amazing chemistry. Explosive, even. They get along very well right at the start without the need for any warm-up. I dont think he expected to fall in love when he met her as a young student, but he did and it didn't take long. They started work in different countries, they were physically intimate in the past when she was attached, I'm aware of that. And emotionally they were very close.
If his feelings have faded, why can't he be friends with her? He has many female friends but he cannot be friends with her, cannot just maintain contact with her as platonic friends. Why?!
He and I are not in a relationship, I don't feel he's ready and he knows he isn't ready. I just worry that he will never be.
As for having an open conversation, that's out of the question. The woman is pissed off with him and basically called him a loser on Facebook in Feb this year. She is really hopping mad and furious with him for some past lies he told her because of his inferiority complex when it comes to her. The post is intentionally set to public and he can see it even though they are not FB friends.
Originally posted by Waitingforu:She's married! Marriage is the most final of relationships and most absolute of any decision a person can make in life. Isn't it? The day the woman got married should have been the day he received closure because once someone gets married, game over for all other suitors, case closed. That's why he chose to cut her off once she told him she was getting married. He couldn't be friends with her or talk to her anymore. Maybe it hurt too much. To me, her marriage should have served as closure for him, but I'm not sure it has, with him still chained by his obsession.
He says she is beautiful, smart and funny, they have similar family backgrounds, and share the same sense of humour, and have an amazing chemistry. Explosive, even. They get along very well right at the start without the need for any warm-up. I dont think he expected to fall in love when he met her as a young student, but he did and it didn't take long. They started work in different countries, they were physically intimate in the past when she was attached, I'm aware of that. And emotionally they were very close.
If his feelings have faded, why can't he be friends with her? He has many female friends but he cannot be friends with her, cannot just maintain contact with her as platonic friends. Why?!
He and I are not in a relationship, I don't feel he's ready and he knows he isn't ready. I just worry that he will never be.
As for having an open conversation, that's out of the question. The woman is pissed off with him and basically called him a loser on Facebook in Feb this year. She is really hopping mad and furious with him for some past lies he told her because of his inferiority complex when it comes to her. The post is intentionally set to public and he can see it even though they are not FB friends.
Now that I'm seeing a bigger view of what may have happened, let me speak from my experience because I have been going through the same path though it's far not to that extreme. You may view my thread to understand what I'm going through now.
I used to love this guy like crazy but we parted way for some silly reasons that I would also call it a non-closure break-up and we also didn't part way as friends. I now have a liking for someone else but because of what happened in the past with my ex, I am still not yet ready to get into a new rs with the new guy. It's not that my feelings for my ex are still there, it's that the flashback of the rs is still recalled sometimes, in a way that to be frank, I haven't figured out yet. However I am willing and open to fixing it because my feelings for this new guy are strong enough to make me want to do something to awake myself.
In your friend's case, though she got married, it didn't necessary serve as a closure if there was something he couldn't accept or could never imagine it would ever happen that's probably why he seemed to be devastated in shock and chose to vanish physically but the image of her, the hope for/fantasy of a possible relationship with her might have still been lingering around his mind for years. Besides, he did something (lies) that pissed her off. That added another reason to his obsession. He wanted forgiveness for what he had done wrong but he can't have it even until now. So it's possible that he is now living in deep regrets that's why he can't get over her.
I don't suggest you to either wait for him/try to push your friendship with him to a bgr or let go of your hope though my guess is that different from me, I am willing to let go of the past (it's crucial) but he doesn't (or not yet) and it's the most tragically draining part of the story. You know best of what you want, listen to yourself and talk to him, that's what I'm going to do to with my very own situation thanks to the advice I got from the forumers here. Whatever direction you'll go for, make sure not to keep everything to yourself, don't just stay in the dark and keep guessing please. As I said earlier, if you don't ask, the answer is always no. You might have reasons (or excuses) that make you reluctant to talk to him honestly and openly about your concern, but think of the pros and cons. The call is yours.
Best for you.
Cheers
Nursing fantasies of a possible relationship with a married woman. That's like living day to day in a dreamworld and existing in the dream world is the way to feel happy. Its unbelievable and sad. How does one reconcile that - knowledge that the person is married and the hope of one day being with the person? Hope that a divorce happens? Maybe it's all not logical and victims cannot help the way they feel, cannot control the sense of loss and longing they feel and cannot stop themselves. It's tragic indeed.
I am not in the position to talk to him about this because I'm not his girlfriend. He owes me no commitment or responsibility. Friends have no right to demand their friend get over someone else.
Maybe his faithful love for her would touch a higher power who grants them the destiny to meet and be together one day, in their middle age.
men takes a longer time to get over women
it just seems on the outside that we women have a tough time getting over guys
but it's a little like human nature that people often think of things they can't have
your friend might end up in divorce and he may be even end up a loner
if he does not know how to set his priorities right
He can't even bring himself to respond coherently in a proper sentence to her when she told him she's finally married when they started talking again after his first disappearance. After she said she's married (which he knew, but was the first time she verbally told him), he disappeared again without a response. I think becalmed is really correct in her analysis of him. He was too devastated and in shock the first time she told him she's going to get married. In 2011, when she told him verbally she really married, he had the same reaction, basically didn't know what to say. And disappeared again. Why couldn't he contain himself and conduct himself properly? Crazy. When other female friends get married, we all congratulate them and talk to them normally. Seow.
it only goes to show that he hasn't picked himself up at all. All along it has been avoidance, he's been running away from what he should be facing. I believe it isn't that he cant pick himself up, but instead he choose to indulge in his own misery.
Originally posted by Waitingforu:This guy is my good friend.
What does it mean if a man aged 34, was poring into the Facebook profile of his ex daily for over a month? He's stopped since. He'd force himself to stop after obsessing for a month. Then he will be back at it again after 6-7 months of abstainance. What is going on?
She has been married for 4 years now. He's known her since he was in college in 2002, and has loved her since so it's been 11 year now. He says circumstances were between them which did not allow them to be together but from what I understand she developed feelings for him as well.
In 2008, when she told him she was getting married, he says he abruptly disappeared from her life in a dramatic fashion, like a complete disappearance without saying bye. I think he was really crushed. It seems like she did marry the following year and still is married.
I thought that with his disappearing from her life and not speaking to her, he had moved on, he still wondered about her and tried to look her up online in 2010. He confirmed that she had married but from what I knew he couldn't really tear himself away and was in a limbo, exchanging weekly pleasantries with her until mid 2011. I thought he had finally moved on when it stopped, but I found out that he masked his cell number and called her at the start of 2012 to hear her say Hello, and hung up.
I believed that he finally moved on early this year (2012), but I discovered that he had looked at her profile daily all through October and stopped himself only after Halloween. He discovered that she had moved cities with her husband.
But he's stopped.
Is my friend still into that woman, or is he over her and is just curious and wonders about her now and then (which many ex-es do), this I can accept?
Been there, done that like your friend but I can't tell you much because don't know the actual problem between him and that woman. Same old sayings, time heals things. I wouldn't have gotten over my ex who left me for another guy if there wasn't this amazing girl that came along. But I am at risk of losing her now. So really can't help. Don't know how I should feel when seeing I'm not alone in this war against the past. It's crazy.
Originally posted by crazyheart:Been there, done that like your friend but I can't tell you much because don't know the actual problem between him and that woman. Same old sayings, time heals things. I wouldn't have gotten over my ex who left me for another guy if there wasn't this amazing girl that came along. But I am at risk of losing her now. So really can't help. Don't know how I should feel when seeing I'm not alone in this war against the past. It's crazy.
After you met the "amazing girl", did you still 1) call your ex and hang up after she says hello 2) look at her FB for over a month daily after forcing yourself to abstain for 6 months?
Originally posted by Waitingforu:After you met the "amazing girl", did you still 1) call your ex and hang up after she says hello 2) look at her FB for over a month daily after forcing yourself to abstain for 6 months?
My ex cheated on me it happened 2 years ago. I didn't believe she did that to me. At first I begged her to stay but she said she no longer loves me that nothing I can do to keep her by my side. I wasn't myself in the first year trying to accept the fact that we were over. I would do anything to catch up on things about her, our friends, her facebook, our shared msn account but she blocked everything. I heard about her from our friends. My problem was that even though it was clear that she left me for another guy I still couldn't believe she could ever do that. I trusted her completely. Yes I did check out her online any day just to look at her avatar because she blocked me but day by day it became a habit from the obsession over her, it's not really that I missed her all the time. yes i also called her a couple times just to listen to her voice but it's very long ago few months after we broke up.
Someone above was right. I was in the same shoes so I think it's very important that he needs to realize that himself and choose to let go of her. I was like him. I didn't allow myself to forget about my ex. When I met this new girl, I still didn't allow myself to get over my ex. Only when had this new girl walked away, I realized how important she is to me. But I am still struggling now. How about the mutual feelings between you and your friend? Did he know that you like him and thinking about him this much? Did he ask you to wait for him? Or you are just friends for now?
Originally posted by crazyheart:My ex cheated on me it happened 2 years ago. I didn't believe she did that to me. At first I begged her to stay but she said she no longer loves me that nothing I can do to keep her by my side. I wasn't myself in the first year trying to accept the fact that we were over. I would do anything to catch up on things about her, our friends, her facebook, our shared msn account but she blocked everything. I heard about her from our friends. My problem was that even though it was clear that she left me for another guy I still couldn't believe she could ever do that. I trusted her completely. Yes I did check out her online any day just to look at her avatar because she blocked me but day by day it became a habit from the obsession over her, it's not really that I missed her all the time. yes i also called her a couple times just to listen to her voice but it's very long ago few months after we broke up.
Someone above was right. I was in the same shoes so I think it's very important that he needs to realize that himself and choose to let go of her. I was like him. I didn't allow myself to forget about my ex. When I met this new girl, I still didn't allow myself to get over my ex. Only when had this new girl walked away, I realized how important she is to me. But I am still struggling now. How about the mutual feelings between you and your friend? Did he know that you like him and thinking about him this much? Did he ask you to wait for him? Or you are just friends for now?
You probably realised it because you knew you had to pick yourself up. The struggle from a previously lost relationship can be understood, but the prolonging of such suffering could be an indulge in the previous relationship itself. What happened to you is probably a time needed for you to accept the loss. But the guy mentioned by TS, i believe has not yet reached your stage yet until the day he realised that he needs to start picking himself up and getting over it. Then he will slowly move towards your stage. The question is, how long is it going to take for the guy mentioned to reach your stage and how willing is TS going to wait, in what seems like an endless wait.
Originally posted by [imdestinyz]:You probably realised it because you knew you had to pick yourself up. The struggle from a previously lost relationship can be understood, but the prolonging of such suffering could be an indulge in the previous relationship itself. What happened to you is probably a time needed for you to accept the loss. But the guy mentioned by TS, i believe has not yet reached your stage yet until the day he realised that he needs to start picking himself up and getting over it. Then he will slowly move towards your stage. The question is, how long is it going to take for the guy mentioned to reach your stage and how willing is TS going to wait, in what seems like an endless wait.
yes thats why i asked ts about her connection level with the guy because it is also an important thing to crack that thick head of her friend. if it's strong then her chance is possibly higher. however i agree with you that if ts decides to wait and if there would be one day her friend decides to be with her (or any other girl), the girl he chooses will need to be mentally strong enough to handle his second thought about that woman.
Originally posted by crazyheart:My ex cheated on me it happened 2 years ago. I didn't believe she did that to me. At first I begged her to stay but she said she no longer loves me that nothing I can do to keep her by my side. I wasn't myself in the first year trying to accept the fact that we were over. I would do anything to catch up on things about her, our friends, her facebook, our shared msn account but she blocked everything. I heard about her from our friends. My problem was that even though it was clear that she left me for another guy I still couldn't believe she could ever do that. I trusted her completely. Yes I did check out her online any day just to look at her avatar because she blocked me but day by day it became a habit from the obsession over her, it's not really that I missed her all the time. yes i also called her a couple times just to listen to her voice but it's very long ago few months after we broke up.
Someone above was right. I was in the same shoes so I think it's very important that he needs to realize that himself and choose to let go of her. I was like him. I didn't allow myself to forget about my ex. When I met this new girl, I still didn't allow myself to get over my ex. Only when had this new girl walked away, I realized how important she is to me. But I am still struggling now. How about the mutual feelings between you and your friend? Did he know that you like him and thinking about him this much? Did he ask you to wait for him? Or you are just friends for now?
I don't know if you and him are in the same league of obsession.
It has been 4.5 years (!!!!) since she and him had any proper contact. He vanished once in 2008 in heartbreak, resurfaced in 2010 still in love, they left each other msn messages once a week exchanging mindless and meaningless message like "you ok?" "I'm ok. Glad to know you are good" this type of meaningless rubbish for 6 months until 2011.
The mindless messaging only ended cos he vanished in heartbreak second time when she told him she got married. He did not know what to say.In 2012 he's still called her to hear her say hello then hang up and spying on her FB. It's been so long already! Where got anyone still hung up and can't get over after 4.5 years? The woman says on fb she's celebrating her 4th year anniversary next month. I was very shocked by the length of time that passed and my friend is still like this, that's why I created the thread to solicit for opinion as to whether he has moved on or still obsessed.
Do you think he still loves her? It's been 4.5 years. Very long leh. Their saga has dragged for 11 years liao. You know in 11 years there are people in other parts of the world who met, marry and even divorced?!
But his circumstances are very different from yours. That woman did not cheat on him. And unlike you, it was him who made mistakes that caused the situation today. If he did not mishandle his relationship and made some different decisions and choices back then, that woman would be his wife today and he'd be the one married for 4 years. He knows this fact too and has said this himself.
Originally posted by Waitingforu:I don't know if you and him are in the same league of obsession.
It has been 4.5 years (!!!!) since she and him had any proper contact. He vanished once in 2008, resurfaced in 2010 still in love, they left each other msn messages once a week exchanging mindless and meaningless message like "you ok?" "I'm ok. Glad to know you are good" this type of meaningless rubbish for 6 months until 2011. In 2012 he's still called her to hear her say hello then hang up and spying on her FB. It's been so long already! Where got anyone still hung up and can't get over after 4.5 years? The woman says on fb she's celebrating her 4th year anniversary next month. I was very shocked by the length of time that passed and my friend is still like this, that's why I created the thread to solicit for opinion as to whether he has moved on or still obsessed.
Do you think he still loves her? It's been 4.5 years. Very long leh. Their saga has dragged for 11 years liao. You know in 11 years there are people in other parts of the world who met, marry and even divorced?!
But his circumstances are very different from yours. That woman did not cheat on him. And unlike you, it was him who made mistakes that caused the situation today. If he did not mishandle his relationship and made some different decisions and choices back then, that woman would be his wife today and he'd be the one married for 4 years. He knows this fact too and has said this himself.
the guilt and the regret from "not being able to put things right" back then, is eating him up... especially when he thinks that they would have gotten married if not because of his mishandling.
Originally posted by crazyheart:yes thats why i asked ts about her connection level with the guy because it is also an important thing to crack that thick head of her friend. if it's strong then her chance is possibly higher. however i agree with you that if ts decides to wait and if there would be one day her friend decides to be with her (or any other girl), the girl he chooses will need to be mentally strong enough to handle his second thought about that woman.
Thank you everybody for all your insights.
I decided I will not pursue or wait for him. Even if he decides to likes me one day, I am not mentally strong enough to be in a relationship where I'm constantly under the threat of being replaced or know that my boyfriend still pines for somebody else.
He does know the way I feel, and we almost saw each other until he backed out and said he's not ready and wouldn't be fair for me.