Keep thinkin about ex after opening heart to someone else
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It feels crazy as it sounds but it's what happening to me now. Thanks in advance for hearing me out.
Let's call my ex bf Dan and Jim, for this guy I've been thinking to go out with.
So after I broke up with Dan few years ago, I didn't let anyone else to enter my heart, until I met Jim.
I used to be deeply in love with Dan. He was everything I could ever wish for in a man. I was an introverted girl while Dan was the opposite but we matched each other almost perfectly probably because we loved each oher to every single bits. We never had enough of each other. But well we never know what are ahead of us. We couldn't be with each other in the end for some reasons.
I moved on having quite a good life despite the emptiness Dan left in my heart. Sometimes I still found myself thinking about him but just random thoughts with no extreme feelings. Then things have changed since the day Jim came into my life. I used to think I'd never truly fall for someone else again but Jim has changed both my heart and mind. Jim feels the same about me and wants us to go out. I should be feeling happy but instead, I'm reluctant to go on dates with him. I know it's not right but I started thinking a lot about Dan since I realized my heart already opened to Jim. I like Jim, really do but sometimes I think about Dan even more, especially after this incident with Jim that used to similarly happen between me and Dan. When it happened, Dan made me trust and love him more while Jim kind of made me disappointed due to his lack of thoughtfulness and maturity.
I'm quite confused now. On one hand, it feels so strong that I like Jim a lot and want to be with him. On the other hand, I want to hold myself back because I still think about Dan. I'm a devoted person, I don't want to think about Dan or any other guys when seeing Jim.
I wanted to be honest and let Jim know what has been bugging me and ask him to give me more time but I don't know how to go about it to not hurt his feeling.
Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.
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I wanted to be honest and let Jim know what has been bugging me and ask him to give me more time but I don't know how to go about it to not hurt his feeling.
There. You already answered your own question....just tell him everything, and if you really cant let him go as well, it will come out naturally when you speak to him.
If he doesnt understand, then there really is precious little you can do.
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Haah? I don't know what to say to you. I have only one heart and this one heart can only accommodate 1 person. I don't have more than one heart to accommodate another.
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Originally posted by SBS2601D:
I wanted to be honest and let Jim know what has been bugging me and ask him to give me more time but I don't know how to go about it to not hurt his feeling.
There. You already answered your own question....just tell him everything, and if you really cant let him go as well, it will come out naturally when you speak to him.
If he doesnt understand, then there really is precious little you can do.
That's what I am going to do, but I don't know how to tell him though. It's really something painful to hear.
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then perhaps you shld make a decision now, and make sure you dont look back.
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Originally posted by SJS6638:
Haah? I don't know what to say to you. I have only one heart and this one heart can only accommodate 1 person. I don't have more than one heart to accommodate another.
It doesn't really what you think. I don't think about my ex bf in that sort of way as what you mentioned but more of a guilty feeling that I've fallen for someone else, someone that doesn't treat me right as Dan used to do but I still want to be with him while I decided to break up with Dan though he didn't do anything wrong.
I don't know where this stupid guilty thought came from but that's what it is.
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Ha! is this the cause of your insonmia? LOL! anyway, is Dan your first bf? Apparently it feels like you've been away from the "scene" for too long and while you might not feel for dan anymore, you actually feel guilty going into another r/s. This is not because you still love dan, probably just that you've never let anyone in since dan and subconsciously, you probably are questioning urself if Jim is the right one. My guess is that, to handle that uncertainty, u subconsciously put dan into the picture
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Originally posted by becalm:
It feels crazy as it sounds but it's what happening to me now. Thanks in advance for hearing me out.
Let's call my ex bf Dan and Jim, for this guy I've been thinking to go out with.
So after I broke up with Dan few years ago, I didn't let anyone else to enter my heart, until I met Jim.
I used to be deeply in love with Dan. He was everything I could ever wish for in a man. I was an introverted girl while Dan was the opposite but we matched each other almost perfectly probably because we loved each oher to every single bits. We never had enough of each other. But well we never know what are ahead of us. We couldn't be with each other in the end for some reasons.
I moved on having quite a good life despite the emptiness Dan left in my heart. Sometimes I still found myself thinking about him but just random thoughts with no extreme feelings. Then things have changed since the day Jim came into my life. I used to think I'd never truly fall for someone else again but Jim has changed both my heart and mind. Jim feels the same about me and wants us to go out. I should be feeling happy but instead, I'm reluctant to go on dates with him. I know it's not right but I started thinking a lot about Dan since I realized my heart already opened to Jim. I like Jim, really do but sometimes I think about Dan even more, especially after this incident with Jim that used to similarly happen between me and Dan. When it happened, Dan made me trust and love him more while Jim kind of made me disappointed due to his lack of thoughtfulness and maturity.
I'm quite confused now. On one hand, it feels so strong that I like Jim a lot and want to be with him. On the other hand, I want to hold myself back because I still think about Dan. I'm a devoted person, I don't want to think about Dan or any other guys when seeing Jim.
I wanted to be honest and let Jim know what has been bugging me and ask him to give me more time but I don't know how to go about it to not hurt his feeling.
Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.
Surely our mind produces whatever images we feed it; many a times, unconsciously. You labeled yourself as devoted; however, there are two sides to a coin dualistically speaking. Devotion in this case is also a resistant towards a possible future. I can't tell how this future would be for you, but to you, having to adopt this picture would somewhat suggest that you would need to give up a once-important picture of the past. This is a trade-off you have refuse to relent thus far.
An opportunity cost my friend; the same dollar can't buy you two loaf of bread. You somehow figured that you can't keep two pictures of the same category in your world of relationship. However, reality is pushing you into making a choice - either which would produce painful perception of lost and uncertain future.
Until you have a committed decision to walk forward, you will always walk while looking backwards. The strain in your neck is basically the misery you are experiencing - nobody has the power to retain our emotional spirit in the past other than ourselves. You could tell Jim that you need time to work some things out yourself; if he is an enlightened male, then you would probably have some time. However, do not use time as an excuse to slip into escapism. You will face the same conundrum somewhere down your future again - with added misery.
P.S: Regardless of options, there is no way you cannot 'don't hurt him' - especially since he has fallen for you. In some degree of truth, you are only responsible for what you say to him and not responsible for what he understands.
Cheers
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Ahh... The pro is here!
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Originally posted by becalm:
It feels crazy as it sounds but it's what happening to me now. Thanks in advance for hearing me out.
Let's call my ex bf Dan and Jim, for this guy I've been thinking to go out with.
So after I broke up with Dan few years ago, I didn't let anyone else to enter my heart, until I met Jim.
I used to be deeply in love with Dan. He was everything I could ever wish for in a man. I was an introverted girl while Dan was the opposite but we matched each other almost perfectly probably because we loved each oher to every single bits. We never had enough of each other. But well we never know what are ahead of us. We couldn't be with each other in the end for some reasons.
I moved on having quite a good life despite the emptiness Dan left in my heart. Sometimes I still found myself thinking about him but just random thoughts with no extreme feelings. Then things have changed since the day Jim came into my life. I used to think I'd never truly fall for someone else again but Jim has changed both my heart and mind. Jim feels the same about me and wants us to go out. I should be feeling happy but instead, I'm reluctant to go on dates with him. I know it's not right but I started thinking a lot about Dan since I realized my heart already opened to Jim. I like Jim, really do but sometimes I think about Dan even more, especially after this incident with Jim that used to similarly happen between me and Dan. When it happened, Dan made me trust and love him more while Jim kind of made me disappointed due to his lack of thoughtfulness and maturity.
I'm quite confused now. On one hand, it feels so strong that I like Jim a lot and want to be with him. On the other hand, I want to hold myself back because I still think about Dan. I'm a devoted person, I don't want to think about Dan or any other guys when seeing Jim.
I wanted to be honest and let Jim know what has been bugging me and ask him to give me more time but I don't know how to go about it to not hurt his feeling.
Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.
I suggest you deal with your inner demons within yourself instead of dumping all your past emotional baggages on Jim.
It is unfair for Jim to carry your burden. For he too has his own baggages to deal with.
If you are not over Dan yet... you need to give yourself more time before going into another relationship again and risk hurting an innocent party.
What exactly is the reason you and DAn relationship didn't work out ? What are the chances you and dan will get together again ? Are you still holding your breath for a miracle to happen ?
While Jim may seem the perfect rebound guy.. you will only ruin the new relationship because of your old baggages.
So, don't be greedy, let Dan go in your heart.. before you let Jim in.
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Originally posted by Yunhaier: Surely our mind produces whatever images
we feed it; many a times, unconsciously.
You labeled yourself as devoted; however, there are two sides to a coin dualistically speaking. Devotion in this case is also a resistant towards a possible future. I can't tell how this future would be for you, but to you, having to adopt this picture would somewhat suggest that you would need to give up a once-important picture of the past. This is a trade-off you have refuse to relent thus far.
An opportunity cost my friend; the same dollar can't buy you two loaf of bread. You somehow figured that you can't keep two pictures of the same category in your world of relationship. However, reality is pushing you into making a choice - either which would produce painful perception of lost and uncertain future.
Until you have a committed decision to walk forward, you will always walk while looking backwards. The strain in your neck is basically the misery you are experiencing - nobody has the power to retain our emotional spirit in the past other than ourselves. You could tell Jim that you need time to work some things out yourself; if he is an enlightened male, then you would probably have some time. However, do not use time as an excuse to slip into escapism. You will face the same conundrum somewhere down your future again - with added misery.
P.S: Regardless of options, there is no way you cannot 'don't hurt him' - especially since he has fallen for you. In some degree of truth, you are only responsible for what you say to him and not responsible for what he understands.
Cheers
Thank you all for hearing me out and for the advice.
This has been immensely daunting. You are right, no one else but myself need to fight this inner war.
To tell the truth, I have never had a thought to go back together with Dan. Past is past, it's just that I couldn't seem to control what is running in my mind.
I've decided to say it all out to Jim. I think he'd understand. But I'm not going to ask him to wait for something I can't promise him. I have no right to tie him down with an unwarranted future. Now I think it's better to give time to myself, not Jim, not anyone.
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Originally posted by becalm:
Thank you all for hearing me out and for the advice.
This has been immensely daunting. You are right, no one else but myself need to fight this inner war.
To tell the truth, I have never had a thought to go back together with Dan. Past is past, it's just that I couldn't seem to control what is running in my mind.
I've decided to say it all out to Jim. I think he'd understand. But I'm not going to ask him to wait for something I can't promise him. I have no right to tie him down with an unwarranted future. Now I think it's better to give time to myself, not Jim, not anyone.
but i think even if the next person comes along, the same thing might happen though... this inner demon comes from comparing the past and a possible future you are stepping into. I say, right now, talk to Jim and let him make the decision, to move on with you or without you. -
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Ts missing Liao!!
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I see that it is nothing wrong about reminiscing the past you had when you go over certain places or event you once had with Dan.. Memories just like which sch you have been, when your first pet dies.. Is part of you which I believe Jim will accept.. But it is not right to keep such thoughts to yourself.. Share more often.. And it will fades off much easily.. And I believe Jim do score some points in other area that Dan didn't... Just that there is no memory for comparison..
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What you people need is more work at the office.
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Originally posted by becalm:
Thank you all for hearing me out and for the advice.
This has been immensely daunting. You are right, no one else but myself need to fight this inner war.
To tell the truth, I have never had a thought to go back together with Dan. Past is past, it's just that I couldn't seem to control what is running in my mind.
I've decided to say it all out to Jim. I think he'd understand. But I'm not going to ask him to wait for something I can't promise him. I have no right to tie him down with an unwarranted future. Now I think it's better to give time to myself, not Jim, not anyone.
Seemed like you have thought considerably through. I wish you well. P.S: Feel free to let us know how things are going on for you down the road later.
Cheers
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Originally posted by Yunhaier: Seemed like you have thought considerably
through. I wish you well.
P.S: Feel free to let us know how things are going on for you down the road later.
Cheers
Hello there
Jim is now overseas and going back next week that is good 'cause I'm now taking time to think over how I should tell him which is not easy.
I think by talking to Jim, it may help me to probably see some points that I can't figure out by keeping things to myself. But I'm not sure, I'm just afraid he may just say he's fine but feel otherwise inside. He is seemingly an extrovert however after some time knowing him, I see him more of an introvert.
Will keep you guys updated. Thank you!
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Originally posted by charlize:
What you people need is more work at the office.
Haha people just try to seek for what they call work life balance in their creative way= doing personal stuff at work and bringing work home to finish what they haven't lol ;)
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Originally posted by [imdestinyz]:
Ts missing Liao!!
I was kidnapped by some neural bugs
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Originally posted by MindThots:
But it is not right to keep such thoughts to yourself.. Share more often.. And it will fades off much easily..
I can't agree more. It's sort of my problem but to be honest, it's better said than done.
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It Is actually not difficult sharing problems... Make it a habit and life will be better!
Neural bugs? You were sick arh?
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Originally posted by [imdestinyz]:
It Is actually not difficult sharing problems... Make it a habit and life will be better!
Neural bugs? You were sick arh?
It's difficult mate!!! I'm more of a listenner haha.
Nope, I wasn't sick. I was talking about the bugs that have been eating my brain. My brain now has the shape of a questionmark lol
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Originally posted by becalm:
It's difficult mate!!! I'm more of a listenner haha.
Nope, I wasn't sick. I was talking about the bugs that have been eating my brain. My brain now has the shape of a questionmark lol
the bugs are eating ur brain? that may cause you be epileptic! hahaha!!!Oh well anyway, it should not be difficult larh... you just needed a first step to start sharing and things should come fairly easy and comfortable. Being to much of a listenner surpresses your emotion which would not be good. Did happen to me before so preferably it does not happen to you.
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Originally posted by [imdestinyz]:
the bugs are eating ur brain? that may cause you be epileptic! hahaha!!!Oh well anyway, it should not be difficult larh... you just needed a first step to start sharing and things should come fairly easy and comfortable. Being to much of a listenner surpresses your emotion which would not be good. Did happen to me before so preferably it does not happen to you.
Ah hah! What about having my brain eaten and then talk to myself in a mirror so I can be both listener and talker at the same time? Sound scary huh? jk
Thank you but I have some ways to release stress without having to talk too much :)