A v.gd friend held back by her persistent ex-bf
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Originally posted by DaExodus:It all started roughly 8 months ago when my then friend found out that her bf had cheated on her by going out with a girl from Thailand. She initiated the breakup and the bf confessed and thus their relationship ended.
Before that, me and her rushed down to some ulu place where the bastard is working, hoping to confront him but he was nowhere to be found. It was a heartbreaking sight to see her crying in the bus and my heart aches for her. I have always had special attention towards her despite knowing she had a BF, I kept the distance.
Months passed, we got closer together and I tried to spend as much time as possible with her, even skipping school and giving up my CCA to be with her. We eventually became very good friend and I am close to their family as well. Out of the blue, the ex BF came back and want to have a patch.
Well, she hated him and asked him to FXXX OFF but he is rather persistent. Leaving food outside her house, smsing her and want to meet her after her work or at her void deck. I was with her all along and the only correct thing I knew was for her to ignore him. He couldnt stop and it breaks my heart to see her crying again after so many months.
I met with that bastard and told him I would convince her to be just friend with him but he was still under the impression of him having a chance with her. At that point of time, the girl already knew my likings towards her.
Well, the scenario didnt get any better instead the bastard used what he is best at, emotional blackmail. He threatens to kill himself, off his phone and got me and her hurrying all over singapore to find him but at the end he would call her and say he didnt want to die or else he would not be able to see her again.
Den came the letters, reminding her of the fun times they spent together and such. And of cos, I was with her all these while when he did all these stuff.
The hatred in my friend's heart soon subsides and she begin to be less cruel towards him. I thought it was best that I no longer care and just play my part but things went underground pretty soon for them.
She accepted him as a friend but this bastard tells her he gets jealous whenever he sees me with her and my friend, not knowing how to say no would tell him that she is alone when she is with me. I was terribly upset by her lies. I was just right infront of her when she said that. I do not know why she would feel that way after the shit things he did to her. This bastard kept using things like " You never remember the things we did together.." to bait her back. Im so distressed that I have lost count of the times I cried.
Am I right to say that if she doesnt state her stand firm, that bastard would never move on and me and her would never get a chance just to even try? Fellow forumes, tell me what should I do? We are having lots of fun time together and everytime the sms tone came, I cant help but feel sour because 60% it would be the bastard smsing her. She is rather timid and we both agreed that she finds it very hard to be mean.
I asked my close friends for advice, one told me that I have to prove myself to be the better one for her. I am willing to do that, I have prepared letters, like what Noah did to Eillie in the film the notebook. I record down every single day of activities with her and plan to give it to her but her shadow of the ex mades me feel helpless.
I was thinking, since she cant say no directly to the bastard, I would contact him personally but I know I cant say "fxxx off and die".
I do not think that the bastard character would understand the meaning of loving her. I tried the approach of " If you love her, you wan her to be happy" earlier on but he doesnt seem to get it even to the extent of ME asking her to go back to him if she is happy but she doesnt want it.
I have given everything just for a hint of spark in this relationship and I know that we can make it.
It's probably a karmic relationship as she finds difficulties in severing the twisted emotional bonds of her previous love. This man understands her vulnerability and seeks to exploit relentlessly - both psychological reinforcement and classical conditioning of alternate punishments and rewards is just plain devious and effective.
I would classify her under AOS as Drama Queen - people who often find themselves playing the victim subconsciously as it deflects their boredom and introduces 'wild colours' in their otherwise insipid life.
Now I gonna say harsh things that may clash with your personality, ideals or principles, but I want you to consider my words carefully.
*** In your situation, the first thing you ought to learn is to QUIT being (or acting) as a nice guy. If this is the woman you wanna be with, cease acting noble and let love govern your action instead. What's with the 'meeting up with the bastard' with you trying to negotiate for his advantage? Are you trying to line the carpet for your woman to return back to him and celebrate your utter failure which you could have inevitable led yourself into?
I fondly recalled CloUdiSm regarding the theory of Leadership in relationship - And goodness! I read through your entire post and you NOT only allow yourself to wallop in self pity WITH her (which you should have demonstrate strength instead), you accepted whatever plot this man had devised and ended up being a pawn in this game of emotional blackmail and pseudo-attempt-suicide.
I would have laughed my ass off if I was the one advising the OTHER man instead.
You are suppose to lead your woman my dear! And not let her lead you as you absurdly accompany this emotionally unstable woman to some 'wondrous adventures' weaved by her ex-boyfriend' and ended up making both of you miserable. I can understand her being emotionally and psychologically tormented by the man, but you are not her! Surely I should see some WISDOM and COURAGE to alleviate her suffering and teach her to embrace a new direction?
I don't think it's about her living in the shadow of her ex-boyfriend more than YOU living in the shadow of that man, forever beneath his presence.
Dude, if you want to make things work, you got to learn to live the REAL you. Drop diplomatic, politically-correct approaches and all the whatÂ’s not that society has somehow taught you. You should have seen my visage when I read all that you have written. Especially spare me the 'asking-her-to-go-back-to-him-if-she-is-happy' because that's totally crap in my opinion. Completely wrong context - probably taken out from a typical movie script and you don't even know what you are saying.
Let me ask you a question objectively: if this happens to your good friend you have no feelings for, would you even ask your good friend to return back to such a guy? In other words, back to hell?
Chances are, you wouldn't. So why the exception for the woman you love?
Sheesh.
Cheers -
*shrugs* it doesn't matter, you can say I am a scheming and devious guy for winning my wife over during that period. The fact is, I love her very much, and am eternally attentive to her and care for her.Originally posted by jojobeach:It is lucky your wife likes you, therefore it works out.
But consider the fact that you are taking advantage of her vulnerable situation, I don't envy you for that.
So, what happens if TS's girl is not interested in romantic relationship with TS? What if she just wants TS to be what he is now, a pillar of support ?
Will she be forced to chose between getting into a r/s with TS ? or risk losing someone who is there for her during this difficult time ??
I think it is never a good idea to go into a relationship with someone trying to bounce back from a freshly broken r/s.
My only request to her is that, the day when she closes her eyes forever and leave this world, I hope she would tell me before she leaves, that she has no regrets spending this lifetime with me. As long as I had made her happy, and she lived her life happily, I don't mind going to hell for that
Sometimes, the gal must be forced to choose. How much more time do you expect the guy to wait? How long is your definition of freshly broken r/s? 1 month? 8 mths? 1 year? 2 years? 10 years?
We don't have many years you know. Love and opportunities do not come by often.
It is unfair for the gal to use the guy as a pillar of support if she knows that he likes/loves her, and she doesn't like/love him. If this is the case, then I will say the gal is selfish. -
I told my wife the same thing when I first started pursuing her (it was more like, I was unsure of myself). I said that I respect whatever decision she made.Originally posted by Yunhaier:Especially spare me the 'asking-her-to-go-back-to-him-if-she-is-happy' because that's totally crap in my opinion. Completely wrong context - probably taken out from a typical movie script and you don't even know what you are saying.
A few weeks later, I realized how stupid I was, and I told her I want her to decide to be with me.
She told me later on in our lives, that she thinks the 1st statement was bulls**t, and the 2nd statement was finally something about me being a real man.
I strongly agree with what Yunhaier said, I believe the same thing
If you want this badly, then go and win it, instead of playing the nice guy and being passive and expect the gal to sit up and take notice
I have spoken to many gal friends, and you know what they said? They can be very very good friends with a guy, but so long as the guy never express his love for her, they will not start thinking of developing this friendship to a relationship.
Granted, there are proactive gals, but they are far and few. Most gals fall into this category.
I absolutely deplore the actions of the guy, coz my wife's ex was something like him. It took me immense effort to take him by the collar and shake him until he was thrown out of her life (he even threatened to kill me), but I am glad I did that.
Nowadays, when I see my wife smile, heck, like I said, I don't mind suffering more for her
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by the way, I din even tell you how long she was out of the relationship, how could you jump to the conclusion that she was vulnerable?Originally posted by jojobeach:But consider the fact that you are taking advantage of her vulnerable situation, I don't envy you for that.
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Yes, and all is fair in love and war.
Give the girl you like up to that loser cum jerk, i am sure you will regret when she suffers like hell with him. -
my current bf stood by me all the time
while my persistent ex kept bothering me....
Well... i dump that assho** and he could not take it...
So he try all ways to win me back.
When all methods fail, he go ard telling ppl I'm materialistic and slp ard.
Saying my current bf is the 3rd party and all that.
He is disgusting la!
Go china and betray me first den when i broke up with him, he came back to Singapore and tell ppl I betray him.
Let her see that her ex is the kind when he cant get something, He'll slander her for everything.
Think that should make her steer clear of him.
I appreciate my bf who stood by me all those time.
He made my firm in my decision.
She's ur frd.
Even if she does not end up being ur gf,
you dun wanna see a frd back into the arms of a ba****d...
And yea... girls are more soft hearted...
So try to help her whether u are a frd or not.
All the best -
declare war!! u can hire sgf peeps to fight yur rival
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Hi, I appreciate all your replies and I would evaluate them.
Can't post my response right now, typing this behind her while she is doing her homework.Haha.
I want you all to know that I take this girl very seriously and also all your opinions. -
haiz... i got bad news...
what i feel is that...
just what i feel only and may not be true...
and is only base on the senario you give and i did not saw what really happen... things are different...
you like her... this is comfirm...
she like you... this also comfirm...
but she also like him at the same time, you...
the time she was angry with him is just that she "fah huo nia"
and i can tell what kind of person you are le... you are a shy person who dont really dare to express your feeling...
and on the "closeness side", both are equal...
but the closeness she feels if different type between you 2...
and if cal her to chose now when she has clam down, she will most likely chose him...
i said about her liao now you 2...
you like her...
him plays her...
so... ya you should know what is happening...
If it's me, i will go mad and lose her de... cus i am those who can handle this type of thing cus i am really not strong in relation... cus, i am just a normal person...
BUT, DONT GIVE UP! there is still HOPE...
think...
deeply...
think...
deeply...
how to change this situation?
think... deeply...
your weakness, disadvantage...
you are very 'luan' now... this is your weakness...
your disadvantage... you have nv been her boyfriend before... you dun know how close they can be in the past...
since now she trying to forget all the bad things he done, let her forget...
if can, talk to her more... make her cried one last time...
make her decide in front of you... and not him...
make the move, do it...
---------------------------------------
all this only will happen if what the thing call 'love'...
if this is just like, you all you all just will eventually have you own real love partners one day...
haiz...
and another bad news...
i feel that you are lieing...
cause i found too many emo/story loopholes...
maybe you did not really write all that have happan...
and maybe this is fake...( sorry for this)
ya... i just found alot of loopholes i dun know why either...
if you are really i am really sorry cus i dont know what have happen and only base on senario nia...
anyway... good luck... -
I sorta had a similar problem...but well...guess you gotta let it go easy...really. It's quite difficult to fight AGAINST the ex-bf, since it's more of her emotional past surfacing now...
Good luck though And...be strong! -
=_="Originally posted by Eric Cartman:ur emo
u dunno how 2 read izzit? -
I just log in to say this...
Put yourself in the jerk's shoes lar. He think it will be a challenging think to win back his ex-GF, now that he knows she has somebody wooing her. Plus he knows all her weakness...
You are very sure you wanted this girl???
Then go all out to win her heart lah!!! In a relationship tussle, where got time for you to take pity on yourself? The moment you show weakness, you lost!!! If you picture her ex-BF as a jerk, then how can you lose to a jerk!!
People here can only give you advise, sound advise, but in then end, you must be the one to put in all you have to get her back!!!
All the best!! -
I asked my close friends for advice, one told me that I have to prove myself to be the better one for her. I am willing to do that, I have prepared letters, like what Noah did to Eillie in the film the notebook. I record down every single day of activities with her and plan to give it to her but her shadow of the ex mades me feel helpless.
you dont need to Prove...Theres no need to prove....Theres no need to change your hobby because you love someone...
Be Normal... -
If your wife was already outa the vulnerable period and she already got over her ex, don't you think your case is irrelevant to TS's already ?Originally posted by soul_rage:by the way, I din even tell you how long she was out of the relationship, how could you jump to the conclusion that she was vulnerable?
If your situation is same then it is rational for TS to follow your foot step.
That is why I suggest TS wait till the girl is READY, meaning she get's over that ex first.
It is obvious that girl is still having second thoughts about his ex.
So hor, "what you talking ??"
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*shrugs* end of the day its all up to him. You suggest wait, I suggest go. Becoz when I see how much joy I provided to my wife, I think its all worth it.Originally posted by jojobeach:If your wife was already outa the vulnerable period and she already got over her ex, don't you think your case is irrelevant to TS's already ?
If your situation is same then it is rational for TS to follow your foot step.
That is why I suggest TS wait till the girl is READY, meaning she get's over that ex first.
It is obvious that girl is still having second thoughts about his ex.
So hor, "what you talking ??"
Either way, we only live life once, and must make sure that life was lived meaningfully. That includes bringing the gal you love to you, and giving her the love and care that you know you can provide.
Gals are usually soft-hearted. I don't think there is any so-called ready period that you talked about. I put up my experience, and you shot it down as if you know the world, so why don't you talk about your own reasons of your beliefs instead? Are you talking about concepts and principles, or are you talking about your own experience?
To me, you sound as if you are talking ideals and principles, and not about practicality
So what is ready?
What is freshly broken?
How long should he wait?
You remind me of people who have never started a business before. People who don't dare touch business say you must have the right product, right capital, right timing, right people, right .... before you can start and succeed. Do you know that by the time you get the right product, right capital, right... and want to start, the window of opportunity would have already passed?
Pardon my bluntness, but your talk about READY reminds me of a sucker (loser) I know who waited for the gal he loves to be ready before he tells her he loves her, and ended up she got into a relationship with another guy who dared to try. And if this is what you want TS to be (a sucker), then I rest my case -
I agree with what many people say here.Originally posted by DaExodus:It all started roughly 8 months ago when my then friend found out that her bf had cheated on her by going out with a girl from Thailand. She initiated the breakup and the bf confessed and thus their relationship ended.
Before that, me and her rushed down to some ulu place where the bastard is working, hoping to confront him but he was nowhere to be found. It was a heartbreaking sight to see her crying in the bus and my heart aches for her. I have always had special attention towards her despite knowing she had a BF, I kept the distance.
Months passed, we got closer together and I tried to spend as much time as possible with her, even skipping school and giving up my CCA to be with her. We eventually became very good friend and I am close to their family as well. Out of the blue, the ex BF came back and want to have a patch.
Well, she hated him and asked him to FXXX OFF but he is rather persistent. Leaving food outside her house, smsing her and want to meet her after her work or at her void deck. I was with her all along and the only correct thing I knew was for her to ignore him. He couldnt stop and it breaks my heart to see her crying again after so many months.
I met with that bastard and told him I would convince her to be just friend with him but he was still under the impression of him having a chance with her. At that point of time, the girl already knew my likings towards her.
Well, the scenario didnt get any better instead the bastard used what he is best at, emotional blackmail. He threatens to kill himself, off his phone and got me and her hurrying all over singapore to find him but at the end he would call her and say he didnt want to die or else he would not be able to see her again.
Den came the letters, reminding her of the fun times they spent together and such. And of cos, I was with her all these while when he did all these stuff.
The hatred in my friend's heart soon subsides and she begin to be less cruel towards him. I thought it was best that I no longer care and just play my part but things went underground pretty soon for them.
She accepted him as a friend but this bastard tells her he gets jealous whenever he sees me with her and my friend, not knowing how to say no would tell him that she is alone when she is with me. I was terribly upset by her lies. I was just right infront of her when she said that. I do not know why she would feel that way after the shit things he did to her. This bastard kept using things like " You never remember the things we did together.." to bait her back. Im so distressed that I have lost count of the times I cried.
Am I right to say that if she doesnt state her stand firm, that bastard would never move on and me and her would never get a chance just to even try? Fellow forumes, tell me what should I do? We are having lots of fun time together and everytime the sms tone came, I cant help but feel sour because 60% it would be the bastard smsing her. She is rather timid and we both agreed that she finds it very hard to be mean.
I asked my close friends for advice, one told me that I have to prove myself to be the better one for her. I am willing to do that, I have prepared letters, like what Noah did to Eillie in the film the notebook. I record down every single day of activities with her and plan to give it to her but her shadow of the ex mades me feel helpless.
I was thinking, since she cant say no directly to the bastard, I would contact him personally but I know I cant say "fxxx off and die".
I do not think that the bastard character would understand the meaning of loving her. I tried the approach of " If you love her, you wan her to be happy" earlier on but he doesnt seem to get it even to the extent of ME asking her to go back to him if she is happy but she doesnt want it.
I have given everything just for a hint of spark in this relationship and I know that we can make it.
Why don't you make it very explicit to her and let her know your feelings literally. as easy as possible to comprehend.
Give her a chance to have some choices to make. But don't pressure her.
If what you're saying is the truth, even if she's not your gf but just a friend, you wouldn't want her to risk ending up with someone who'd betray her feelings.
And I have seen such guys whom you mention about your friend's ex bf. In my experience, I know that because they are desperate so they come back. Once they have the abilities to have a bigger better deal, your friend will be dumped like a spare tyre again. -
U should have gone all out when she broke off with her bf..Originally posted by DaExodus:I have given everything just for a hint of spark in this relationship and I know that we can make it. -
Originally posted by soul_rage:*shrugs* end of the day its all up to him. You suggest wait, I suggest go. Becoz when I see how much joy I provided to my wife, I think its all worth it.
Either way, we only live life once, and must make sure that life was lived meaningfully. That includes bringing the gal you love to you, and giving her the love and care that you know you can provide.
Gals are usually soft-hearted. I don't think there is any so-called ready period that you talked about. I put up my experience, and you shot it down as if you know the world, so why don't you talk about your own reasons of your beliefs instead? Are you talking about concepts and principles, or are you talking about your own experience?
To me, you sound as if you are talking ideals and principles, and not about practicality
So what is ready?
What is freshly broken?
How long should he wait?
You remind me of people who have never started a business before. People who don't dare touch business say you must have the right product, right capital, right timing, right people, right .... before you can start and succeed. Do you know that by the time you get the right product, right capital, right... and want to start, the window of opportunity would have already passed?
Pardon my bluntness, but your talk about READY reminds me of a sucker (loser) I know who waited for the gal he loves to be ready before he tells her he loves her, and ended up she got into a relationship with another guy who dared to try. And if this is what you want TS to be (a sucker), then I rest my case ok here goes.
I was once the girl who cannot make up my mind.
I was once the girl who was torn between 2 guys.
I was once the girl who decided I cannot stand being left behind.
I was once the girl who just wanted someone to fill the void my ex left behind.
I was once the girl who went with my "support" out of fear of loneliness.
I was once the girl who took another boyfriend to spite my ex.
I was once the girl, who hurt the one who truly loves me so deeply I regret it till today.
I was once the girl, who found another guy that better fit my needs and had to dump the one who truly loves me.
Yes I am a sucker.
Ready is when she is over the ex.
Ready is when she no longer cry over sms sent by her ex.
Ready is when she get's irritated instead of helpless when the ex try to manipulate her.
Ready is when she is no longer running to see him whenever he try to commit suicide.
Freshly broken is when the wound is still raw.
He should wait and nurse her back to health.
When her wound has hardened into a scar.
He should wait till she can see what a wonderful guy he is.
Women are not blind. We are not emotionally numb. We KNOW if the friend has feelings for us. And if the girl is also interested she would reciprocate.
If she gets taken by another man, that means the girl never has intention to be romantically link with TS, since the beginning. -
and from your point of view, you think its fair for the gal to treat TS as a pillar of support, when in actual fact, he wants to love her?Originally posted by jojobeach: ok here goes.
I was once the girl who cannot make up my mind.
I was once the girl who was torn between 2 guys.
I was once the girl who decided I cannot stand being left behind.
I was once the girl who just wanted someone to fill the void my ex left behind.
I was once the girl who went with my "support" out of fear of loneliness.
I was once the girl who took another boyfriend to spite my ex.
I was once the girl, who hurt the one who truly loves me so deeply I regret it till today.
I was once the girl, who found another guy that better fit my needs and had to dump the one who truly loves me.
Yes I am a sucker.
gals whom treat guys as spare tires are personally unacceptable to me.
but that said, I hope that you had learnt much through your journey and experience. I am not going to say negative things like 'I don't envy you...', or 'I think you are wrong...', 'you take advantage of her vulnerable situation', coz I am in no position to judge. I just hope that you understand your own words in your other posting in another thread, that when someone points their finger at somewhere else, they should reflect on themselves first.
you have no idea how terrible my wife's ex is, that I believe I did the right thing, even if you condemn me to hell for that.
Your views and mine are contrasting, and ultimately, its up to the guy here to decide.
But hey, its his problem, not yours or mine, and I sincerely do hope that you are living your life happily now. -
Ofcus I am happy now. Else I would be posting my misery here instead of giving other people my two cents advise, right ?Originally posted by soul_rage:and from your point of view, you think its fair for the gal to treat TS as a pillar of support, when in actual fact, he wants to love her?
gals whom treat guys as spare tires are personally unacceptable to me.
but that said, I hope that you had learnt much through your journey and experience. I am not going to say negative things like 'I don't envy you...', or 'I think you are wrong...', 'you take advantage of her vulnerable situation', coz I am in no position to judge. I just hope that you understand your own words in your other posting in another thread, that when someone points their finger at somewhere else, they should reflect on themselves first.
you have no idea how terrible my wife's ex is, that I believe I did the right thing, even if you condemn me to hell for that.
Your views and mine are contrasting, and ultimately, its up to the guy here to decide.
But hey, its his problem, not yours or mine, and I sincerely do hope that you are living your life happily now.
See, when a pillar of support comes along we appreciate them as what they are, a pillar of support. Someone we can pour our hearts out to, someone to lend a shoulder to cry on. Not someone who will eventually becomes our boyfriend.
But a pillar of support with an ulterior motive is another story.
When you sincerely want to help the person you don't do it with conditions.
Example with conditions, I am good to you, so since I love you, you should love me back.
There is nothing wrong with TS loving her, it happens.
But there is also nothing wrong for the girl to just want TS to be her pillar without having to love him back.
Yes I know, all ex are terrible, that's why we left them in the first place. Correct ? -
Court the gal to prevent the bf from insert hurting....
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"But there is also nothing wrong for the girl to just want TS to be her pillar without having to love him back."Originally posted by jojobeach:Ofcus I am happy now. Else I would be posting my misery here instead of giving other people my two cents advise, right ?
See, when a pillar of support comes along we appreciate them as what they are, a pillar of support. Someone we can pour our hearts out to, someone to lend a shoulder to cry on. Not someone who will eventually becomes our boyfriend.
But a pillar of support with an ulterior motive is another story.
When you sincerely want to help the person you don't do it with conditions.
Example with conditions, I am good to you, so since I love you, you should love me back.
There is nothing wrong with TS loving her, it happens.
But there is also nothing wrong for the girl to just want TS to be her pillar without having to love him back.
Yes I know, all ex are terrible, that's why we left them in the first place. Correct ?
Does this statement also includes using the person for her own wants and needs then dumping him later once the ex comes along? -
So much to read...
Let me summarize..
Ahem
Be Da MAN!!!!!!!! -
Wow pikachu, u are spot on. Im really the shy type.
This is true, Not a single part is made up.
Yes I admit I was tempted by the notion of "Love her, let her be sumone she is happy with" . After thinking through, I felt disgusted at this bullshit notion. I might have won her earlier if I hadnt act like a MOFO weakling.
And yes, she knows I like her but she kept telling me that she doesnt deserve someone as good as me that she is just one horrible bitch.
Any suggestions? I want to make her feel beautiful. -
one thing i hope u pple to keep in mind:
when the gal u r at stead wif u keep on complaining about how her ex is a jerk n she hatred him to the core, u have to watch out for it.
cos in her heart she nvr forget the time she used to be wif him n now trying to force herself by hating him.
if someday the ex decide to patch back wif her, chances are she might leave you n make-up wif him after countless persistent attempts by her ex.
sad but truth, leave as it is if the jerk trying to snatch from u. if she is urs, she will be; else, count urself blessed dat she is not ur true love n she only treat u as substitute.
for me, i rather be the hatred man by the gals as they will nvr ever forget me.